Child: I’m full.
Me: Okay.
Child: Can I have dessert?
Me: What? You just said you were full.
Child: Yeah, full of THIS.
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I had no idea being an adult would involve so many lotions.
*has elbow pain*
*checks WebMD*
*buys a burial plot*
First day of school
Kid 1: I want my mumma *waaah waaah*Kid 2: I wanaa go home *waaaah waaah*
My kid: Teacher do you poop?
CNN: President Obama Rescues a Child From a Burning Home
FOX: Failed President Obama Tries To Take Jobs Away From Hard Working Firefighters
I can’t possibly be the only one who has wondered if the corona crisis could be solved if we all let ourselves be laminated
Me: “Could you show me where the self-help books are?”
Librarian: “No.”
If you’re not careful with those, you’ll shoot your eye out.
*points to Spanx*
The sacred texts.
They’ll find Bigfoot before they find a Smoothie store that’s been open for more than 2 years.
Cherry seeds are just the pits.
How much for the mirror?
Ma’am that’s the cover of Vogue
i argued with the parrot at the pet store until it got sold away and the guy who bought it wouldnt let me in his car. that means i won
This is not me but this is me
Social media has shown us why there are directions on shampoo.
My screensaver is a screenshot of a bunch of spreadsheets so my boss doesn’t notice when I haven’t moved my mouse in an hour.
I ordered side dishes from Cracker Barrel to take to my mom’s for Thanksgiving and when I asked if they would be hot at pick-up the lady said, “Are you taking to someone’s house? Bc it’s going to say Cracker Barrel on the pan so bring dishes.”
Good God that’s customer service.
I refuse to stay at a Holiday Inn until they publicly specify what holiday they are referring to.
Superman: I hate your Bat Cave! I can’t get cell service
Batman: Your carrier sucks
Superman: Oh yeah, who do you use?
Batman: Bat Mobile
THE WORLD WOULD BE SOOOOO MUCH HAPPIER IF EVERYBODY WAS A DUCK
Say sliders to drugs
Say no to yes
We’ve been getting a meal kit service and 9yo has been gamely trying all of it, but the other day it was salmon, which I knew he’d never eat, so I made him chicken fingers from frozen instead. He was like “WOW, is this hello fresh? This is INCREDIBLE.”
Girl said she wanted to have my babies so I invited her over. But she didn’t look happy when I told her to put them to bed by 8 and went out
[2.13am]
me: when cows die do they become cow ghosts? imagine being haunted by a cow ghost.
him: *deletes my number*
[first date]
Me: I’m a very reserved person
Me: [5 minutes later] if aliens abducted me no one would miss me
cop: you’re free to go
me: but
cop: go on now
me: please
cop: I SAID GET OUTTA HERE
me: *runs into the forest*
cop: :'(
DATE: So it says on your profile that you’re a contractor.
ME: I’m.
HER: Check please!
[stubs toe]
“GOD DAMMIT”
God: No problem, bro.
[toe goes to Hell]
“omg you’re covered in blood! are you ok?”
[cut to me blending a tomato but I cant get the lid on properly]
you should see the other guy
I will probably never be the tallest person in the room, but I will certainly be the highest
Do the makers of hold music know that Mozart wrote more than one song