Me *tearing up as my bride walks down the aisle on our wedding day*
Priest:
Me:
Priest: Look she might come back
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My son got this balloon on Valentine’s Day. He accidentally let go & it floated to the ceiling. Days later it was still up there. I said, “be patient, it will come down” but he didn’t believe me. “If it comes down I get an iPad!” he said. I agreed. Then I glued it to the ceiling.
there’s like 20 ppl on this flight and i asked the flight attendant for as much wine as he’s allowed to give me n he was like “holidays are rough buddy they’ll get better” dude i have flight anxiety im not a white woman in a romcom this speech isn’t necessary
What a chick magnet..
When they wheel me out in a body bag I hope someone sticks a pair of googly eyes on the outside.
Every time someone tells you they are a vegan an angel eats a dog.
If a cop pulls you over and walks up holding a notepad, don’t order breakfast. Apparently it’s not amusing, I’ve already tried it.
(praying for the first time in a long while and trying to be extra flattering to god): sweetheart,
“i have good news & bad news”
wife: bad news 1st
“the washing machine broke”
wife: and the good news?
“the dogs are clean AF”
[at the drs]
Dr: are you sexually active?
Me: yeah
Dr: with real people
Me [avoiding eye contact & twisting my foot in the ground]: yip
Me: my tooth hurts when I suck
Dentist: so you’re in constant pain
Kids: We’re bored.
Me: Here’s a dime. Call someone who cares.
Kids: What?
Me: When I was a kid that was an insult.
Kids: Why?
Me: We had phones you had to put coins-
Kids: Why wouldn’t you just text them for free?
Me: So we didn’t have textin-
Kids: OMG HOW OLD ARE YOU
Found my cat reading To Kill A Mockingbird. I told him that it didn’t actually involve killing birds, but he said he liked courtroom dramas.
Look I wanna be friendly, but you have to introduce yourself to me 3-5 times in the wild
I’m sitting next to a beautiful woman at a bar so now it’s only a matter of time before nothing happens.
For a quiet ride, buckle the empty seatbelt beside a child and tell them not to wake up the ghost.
Just a reminder that your coworkers aren’t going to get eaten by bears on their own. You have to make that happen. You have to want it.
I accidentally threw garbage in the mall Public Library return bin with a large “Not Garbage” sign and before I had time to feel bad, my boyfriend yelled
AHA SUCK IT, NERDS!
and that’s how he gets the bestest sex.
I’ve now had my account locked and been forced to change my password so many times it is up to: password1234567
Son: Can we go to the beach?
Me: *dumps a bucket of sand down his shorts* There you go, bud.
🎵 so no one told you life was gonna be this waaaaaay… 🎵
What my girlfriend thought, first 4 dates:
1. Nice shirt.
2. Wow. A second nice shirt.
3. Okay, first shirt again.
4. He has two shirts.
Wordle 241 1/6
🟩🟩🟩🟩🟩
Finally figured out how to correctly play this game!
When it says “fussy” and “cries excessively” on the medical form, are they asking about me or the baby?
Not a catfish. Just behind on my lip waxing.
Acquaintance: If you could go anywhere in the world, where would you go?
Me: Into the Witness Protection Program.
“Scolding a cat after it does something wrong has been proven ineffective” – cats
[ bad kitty ]
me: cut it out
cat: ?
me: stop it
cat: ?
me: knock it off
cat: now we’re talking
Friend: I don’t have sex until the third date
Me: ok brag that you get to the third date
Not to brag, but I can get a guy to date me for 3 whole dates before he runs for his life