My daughter has fallen in with the wrong crowd at school and likes country music now.
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My son is screaming his head off in his room but there’s no way I’m going in there if his monster reports are true.
“Why don’t you cool it on the dressmaking,” I suggested to my wife. “You seamstressed.”
Never put a toaster in the bathtub. Nobody likes soggy toast.
Is it proper etiquette to place your phone to the left or right of your silverware at the dinner table?
Tried to pull off a smokey eye, ended up looking like I went three rounds with McGregor
I don’t think of them as cheap hotels, I think of them as fancy camping.
WTF
*glamorously folds laundry
*seductively wipes off countertops
*slowly bends over to pick up toys
*sexily trips over the cat…
I never make my guests take their shoes off at the door because it takes them longer to get out when I want them to leave.
At my local supermarket, a clerk told me that their fresh shipment of toilet paper sold out in 15 minutes. People preparing for the shitpocalypse.
6 pack abs on a guy are nice but it probably means that he won’t get drunk & rob a convenient store of cheese curls w/me at 3am, so no.
Self-knowledge is a purple vegetable. Beetroot yourself.
Photographer: Ok, let’s get a good natural smile. Relax and just let it happen.
Me:
wife: when my husband pees it sounds like a horse
doctor: he probably has a wide ureth-
*loud whinnying coming from the bathroom*
Hey bro, nowhere on your cologne bottle does it say “marinate in”
ugh fine
…i guess since i’m a
pisces i’ll marry aquaman
It’s normal that my retirement plan is 100% contingent on me finding buried treasure at some point, right?
Asian women look 16 forever and one day out of nowhere look 159 years old.
Therapist: How do you two keep the romance alive?
Me: I left him a message in red lipstick on the bathroom mirror last night.
Husband: It said REDRUM.
Sometimes I’ll purposely spill gravy
on my pants to give me an excuse
to leave early.
The real trick is sneaking the gravy
into church.
Ways to make your woman happy.
1. Cook for her.
2. Surprise her with hugs & kisses.
3. Hide a lion in her apartment then rescue her.
The first 8 minutes of any plumber’s visit are spent apologizing for what we tried before we called him.
How to kiss:
1-open your mouth
2-wider
3-wider
4-unhinge jaw
5-summon the Dark Overlord
*finds a corpse in the house*
Oh great, more cleaning.
GIRL: what’s your sign
ME: [silently pointing up to the glowing Arbys logo in the distance]
My son will never know the thrill of illegally downloading Thong Song on napster and waiting 1h39m for it to download
If my name was Pooh I wouldn’t wear pants either
We’re gathered here today to mourn the loss of Derek. His last words were “Watch me try and keep my eyes open while sneezing!”
What happens when you retweet a compliment about how humble you are?
@Ivsy01 Your tweets are so awesome, we had to make a page for you in our site!