It’s like you don’t even care that I filled my pockets with mashed potatoes and gravy for you
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thinking about eating a lot of candy. which i have obtained legaly, through the trick or treat system, for many years
*my daughter sees multiple baskets of laundry by the washer, sighs and sets her basket down in front*
Me: All laundry will be washed in the order it is received. Thank you for holding.
[in heaven after crucifixion]
jesus: “they were horrible dad, im pleased im not going back there”
god: [rubbing his neck] “see the thing is”
Shampoo is much more marketable than it’s original name, Shamshit.
(Don’t) touch!
(Don’t) scream!
(Don’t) run!
(Don’t) fight!
(Don’t) pee here!
(Don’t) put that in your mouth!~ Toddler selective hearing
[learning to drive stick]
Dad: hands at 10 and 2
Me: ok
Dad: now go ahead and shift
Me: *sweating*
Dad: shift
Me: *slowly moves hand*
Dad: 10 AND 2 ARE YOU TRYING TO KILL US
Therapist: and what do we say when your coworkers start to annoy you?
Me: if I see you outside I’m going to run you over.
Therapist: what? No.
I bought a bug zapper fly swat.
So now I look like a madwoman swinging around a small tennis racket, shocking anyone who dares step in my way.
I asked my kid why she only brought one gym sneaker home from school and she looked at me like I have three heads because clearly I’m the crazy one
Surgeon: We had to replace some of your blood but we had to improvise…
Me: You did?
Kool aid guy: OH YEAH!
I was tired of losing my glasses so I put them on a chain. Now my hair’s in a tight bun, there’s a used hanky in the sleeve of my cardigan and I lick my index finger every time I turn a page.
bird to holiday ratio:
thanksgiving: 1 bird
christmas: 184 birds
easter: 0 birds but 79,379 eggs.
Turn that Robert Frowney Jr upside Downey Jr.
As our eyes met across a crowded room, he turned to the man next to him and said, “that’s her…” and that’s how the cop delivered the restraining order
7yo: You know if you didn’t have kids you could turn my room into a tea room.
So now we know her plans after I die.
Company loyalty can often be explained by Stockholm syndrome.
[inventor of frisbee]
“I hate this plate”
If birds started attacking me I’d just hold up a window and let them fly into it
Roman: Any last words?
Jesus: I’ll be back.
The average human body contains enough carbon to make 9,000 pencils and enough blood and skeletons to decorate an intimate Halloween party for a tight-knit group of friends.
ME: I wish for a third dog to pet.
GENIE: you’re seriously wasting these wishes-
ME: I DON’T REMEMBER WISHING FOR YOUR OPINION
Grease (1978, musical)
A highschool girl wins happiness and the acceptance of her peers by changing who she is and taking up smoking.
I’d totally shake what my momma gave me but abandonment issues aren’t really a tangible physical manifestation…..
I gave peas a chance, but I won’t again. They know what they did.
ME: I hate when I look in the mirror and I don’t like the person looking back.
THERAPIST: That’s a window. You’re staring at our gardner, Gary.
“I love potatoes! They are delicious and so versatile. If only they could get me laid…”
-how vodka was born
Give it to me straight
“I’d really like to have sex with you-”
Now give it to me gay
“-r boyfriend.”
4: mama you’re a sweet tomato!
Me: Aw thank y-
4: because you’re round
Me: …
4: and plumpy
Me: go to your room
me: time for sleep 🙂
my brain: WHAT IS THE NOG IN EGG NOG??
That mini-heartattack you get when you sport a typo in your tweet.