Got in a relationship 15 hours ago and right on schedule, 3 men from my past have hit me up
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[getting my picture taking with the sports team mascot]
“I know you’re not really an armadillo”
Cooking hack: Fake your own death. Someone else will cook.
All my money goes to the poor…poor me.
My wife asks me to remind her about stuff. That way if she forgets something, it’s my fault.
Kids: [inside playing on their phones]
Me: OMG it’s beautiful today, go outside.
[3 minutes later]
Kids: [outside playing on their phones]
*walks into bank dragging one of those giant checks behind me*
*everyone claps & cheers*
*hands check over to teller*
Check is for $1.00
Saw a friend really drunk last night so I took his car keys from him. Felt good, he was so drunk I doubt he remembers who stole his car
[TRYING TO IMPRESS NEW GIRLFRIEND]
‘Oh yeah, I love to cook!’
*removes salad from the microwave
zookeeper: have you folks seen the lions yet?
me: no, not yet!
zookeeper : ok *starts sweating* well stay calm and let someone know if you do
billy joel: *nervously* w-we didn’t start the fire
smokey the bear: *lowers gun* ok good
Fred Flintstone drove by this morning
friend: man, I honestly don’t believe she’d cheat on me
me: look, Gary, you can’t keep burying your head in the sand about this
ostrich at next table: OMG Devon, he did NOT just say what I think he said
Me: I lost 35 pounds today.
Wife: [sigh] Can you stop saying that every time you lose our oldest child?
Only in America: We have a holiday devoted to gratitude & then less than 12 hrs later beat the shit out of each other for a $10 crockpot.
“have you heard about the Nu covid variant”
“no, what’s it called?”
“the Nu variant”
“yeah what’s it called”
“no, it’s literally spelled N U, Nu”
“haha wow, who named it that?”
“yes”
Hey cell phone companies, I can’t think of a more terrifying selling point than “Unlimited Talk.”
secret recipe
4 told me we were playing hospital, and then told me to wait because she had to go get her cash register. Even at that age, they get it.
DAD i can’t stay with your wife in same home.. she’s hiding all my snacks.
Please be gentle with me I used to be a baby
My kids were very upset to learn that we are eating animals when we eat meat, so they’ve decided to stop.
Except for the animals that make bacon, chicken nuggets, and hamburgers.
everyone’s following their dreams while I’m over here happily following a food truck
My son got mad unfollowed me… I disconnected his phone.
-I win
interviewer: your resume says you like being read to
me: and then what happened
On an afternoon walk, a handsome stranger hands you a note. It says “By the time you read this, I will already be petting your dog.” You look down. It’s true.
No I don’t carry “a” grudge. I carry like 20 grudges and keep about 50 more in storage to sort through later.
Sorry, but Spotify sounds like the opposite of a stain remover and why would I want it?
How do you stop Canadian bacon from curling in a frying pan?
Take away its tiny brooms 🧹
This is the final season of Young Sheldon.
I hope they don’t kill him off.
“That’s one small step for man. That’s one open fridge for man. That’s one good sandwich for-”
“Neil! Stop.”
“I WALKED ON THE MOON, JANET”