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Kids got tired of fighting in the house and online, so we got a pool.
ME: sorry boss, can’t come in today. i’m sick as a dog.
DOG: [heelys passed – smoking a pipe] you wish, bro
I’m not saying I don’t love it when my 5yo asks for a hug, I just wish she didn’t always wait until she’s mid-poop to ask.
Exec 1: So, you wait in long lines. No shade. Crying kids. Drinks cost $7.00.
Exec 2: Nice. What do we call it?
E1: Lol, “amusement park.”
Dr “Do you want the good news or the bad news?”
Patient “Good”
Dr “You have 6 months to live”
P “What’s the bad news!?”
Dr “…in dog years”
[fishing]
me: why won’t these goldfish take my bait?
friend: they’re koi.
me: aww don’t be shy little fishies.
why do marvel movies need 3 hours to accomplish what the powerpuff girls did in 11 minutes
If someone says they’d “Like a word with you,” I can guarantee it’s way more than one word and you’re not going to like any of them.
If a lion ever bites off your arm, try to chew some of his hair off before you run away. He deserves to look stupid until it grows back.
Dr. Reverse Psychology: Fine, have it your way, hero.
Captain Resplendent: Aghhh! Reverse psychology. My only weakness.
DRP: Muahahaha!
CR: *weakening* It’s my… only… Kreeptonite.
DRP: Oh no! Mispronounciations are my Kryptonite.
CR: Kreeptonite.
DRP: *weakens further*.
Me: Grandma died, can’t work today.
Boss: Thought she died last month?
Me: This time she is for real dead. We poked her with a stick.
Bruh PLEASE
Why is it called “reading a book” and not paper view?
It’s amazing how patiently people will wait in line behind you when you’re buying tampons.
A baby that is starting to wake up from a nap is like a solar eclipse. Whatever you do, do not look directly at it.
You hear the q-tip screaming deep in your ear canal. This means you’re doing a good job.
I feel like calling it a “nervous system” was just setting me up for failure.
TOP 5 USES FOR APPLES:
1. creating sin
2. inventing gravity
3. keeping doctors away
4. shooting off of a child’s head
5. pie
I asked my husband if I’m the only one he’s been with. He said yes, the others were all nines and tens.
Send bail money.
Me: Pick up your toys please.
5yo: Who’s coming over?
ME: I’m giving you to the count of three
SON: does he have a castle?
When did folks start naming kids old fashioned trades like, “Hunter” and “Porter” and “Archer” and “Blacksmith” and “Prostitute?”
ME: we have a problem, i’m out of beer
HER: it’s ok i don’t drink
ME: ok we have 2 problems
ME: sure, but how often do you come across a good peephole?
HER: I asked if you were a “people” person
ME: ohhh…definitely not
If I were Amish, I’d have to convert to Pmish cause I’m not a morning person.
”You will die alone.” I hate fortune cookies. Wait! This is a note from my mom!
If you add enough jalapeños no one will ever know you’re a bad cook.
Don’t you hate it when you claw your way out of your grave just to realize you left your keys in the coffin?
I’ve come to the terms with the fact that finding stuff in the refrigerator is not one of my life skills. Our entire fridge could be made out of roast beef and I will ask you where the roast beef is.
Back in my day we didn’t have excessive heat warnings. We just melted into puddles and reformed when it cooled down.