Magician: Ok Sir, pick one, write your name on it, and put it back in to the pack. Don’t let me see which one it was.
Me:(wrestling with angry wolf) Have you ever thought of trying this trick with playing cards!!
#RateMyPun #LunchPun
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Interviewer: Why do you want to work here?
Me: Revenge.
When you’re firing off drunk texts & you see the 3 dots
Aladdin: 🎶I can show you the world-
me: I’m cold this is boring
My 4yo just told his fish that he “needs a little space.” Dude, just step away from the tank.
Heard someone say their charcuterie house looks too good to eat and I don’t think they know how cheese works.
Loan officer: And what is the purpose of your loan, Sir?
Me: Whole Foods. I shop at Whole Foods.
me: hit that tree with your fist
hitman: that’s not what i do
me: hundred bucks
hitman: no
me: will you punch a house
me: I think I’d be a good addition to the debate team
captain: no you wouldn’t
me: ok
“911? Help, my son has gone missing”
[baby lowers hands from eyes]
“Holy crap he just appeared out of nowhere”
I just stabbed a pin in my arm.
Somewhere out there a bunch of voodoo dolls just said ‘Ouch.’
You can tell a dad’s age by counting the number of hours he arrives early to the airport for a flight.
I have literally never asked anyone where was the library in Spanish. What other lies did I learn in school?
all stores should have bathrooms in the front AND the back. the chances my kid will use the conveniently placed front bathroom when we first walk in are 0. The chances he’ll want to use one is when we’re 2 miles in the back of the store is 100.
Her: I love cats
Me: [trying to impress her] me too
Her: what’s your favourite kind
Me: [panicking] uh…doja
Funny cuz it’s true! #WritingCommunity #Reading
“THE YOGURT HAD MY GOD DAMN NAME ON IT, NANCY.”
Being the father of teenagers means never trusting the tops of salt shakers ever again.
“I’ll be back for you real soon” I whisper to the leftover lasagne
Ever smell a permanent marker and accidently color the tip of your nose black?
Related: They’re called permanent markers for a reason.
Them: Hey girl what’s your sign
Me: McDonalds Open 24 hours
having one friend who enables everything you do and another who calls you out for your shit is wild bc you’ll explain the exact same situation to them and one of them will go “Abby tax fraud is bad” while the other goes “👏🏽you👏🏽don’t👏🏽owe👏🏽anyone👏🏽anything👏🏽not👏🏽even👏🏽the 👏🏽IRS”
. @kickitupanacho @funTweeters i’m not acting. i am proud of the honor. i love anybody who enjoys my tweets.
The children were nestled
all snug in their beds
until they had to pee
get a drink
show me they can whistle
and ask me if birds have teeth.
I talk a lot of shit for someone who often searches for their phone when I’m watching something on it.
When I say things are going swimmingly, it’s important to note that I can’t swim.
Parent Fact: Sugar makes kids crazy.
Grandparent Fact: Vengeance is mine.
9: Where’s mom?
Me: Out the back
9: Australia?
M: Out THE back, not the Outback!
9: What’s she doing?
M: Playing with her didgeridoo, I think
– Twitter Closing inactive accounts
– Google Closing Inactive accounts
– Internet Archive & Wayback Machine Under Attack
– Nintendo going after Emulators
I’m starting to see a pattern. Now would be the time to back up ANYTHING you have not secured locally.
Barista won’t write “Air Bud was bullshit” on my coffee cup. We’ve been arguing for 20 minutes. HE’S A DOG THAT PLAYS BASKETBALL
January 29, 1802, 2 AM: I hope this letter finds you well. Are you up?
March 2: I am, good sir
April 6: Would you kindly come over?
May 9: K