monster under my bed: I’m gonna eat you
me: [pulls covers over head] your move
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ME: [first day as a detective] Was the robber armed?
VICTIM: Yes. 9 millimetre.
ME: *writing ‘probably a T-Rex’ in my notebook* Thank you.
I’m an aggressive flirter and it scared a lot of people off because they wanted me to hide and peek through my fingers when they said they liked me.
Me: Dark Lord, I am your devoted servant. Please accept this sacrifice as proof of my —
Satan: I have a girlfriend.
Me: There’s a guy in Toronto who survived being shot thirty times. He’s totally fine now
Wife: I am not shooting you. Just go to work
I couldn’t think of an excuse fast enough so anyways I’m having company over this weekend.
I would most likely die like 45 minutes into a zombie apocalypse, and even more likely it would not be zombie apocalypse related.
If you love someone, let them sleep.
I watered my garden and then it rained so I’d like a refund please
Who named it an army ant and not a combatant?
[Calls an ex]
Ex: Hello
Me: Remember how you lied about everything
Ex: Why are you doing this
Me: It’s Throwback Thursday
Maybe a ninja is fighting a chameleon right in front of you.
Ever think of that??
I don’t know if I’m mad because my husband got me the next size up pants or because they fit perfectly.
This Halloween I’m going as that friendly guy who walked around your college campus but wasn’t even enrolled & turned out to be 28 & then disappeared completely
Dr. to my 9 yr old son: So you’ll pee in this cup…
*9 starts giggling
Dr.:
9: We’re not allowed to say ‘pee.’
Me,rubbing my temples: We say ‘tinkle.’
Dr: E-
Me: YES EVEN THE ADULTS
mosquitos out here really acting like it’s ok to go person to person without using a rubber
He told me to come dressed to kill for our first date…
I now realise my Freddie Krueger outfit was not what he had in mind
I will love you ’til the end of time, or until my blood alcohol level normalizes, whichever comes first.
I never believed in hypnosis until I spent six straight hours staring at the bakery’s rotating pie display case.
I asked my 5yo why he didn’t eat all his lunch and he said he only likes his apples cut straight. I have no idea what that means.
BOSS: I have some tough news
INVISIBLE MAN: Go on
BOSS: HR says we need to hire more “Visible” minorities
INVISIBLE MAN: This is bullshit
when you’re supposed to be in bed but the grown-ups’ dinner party is too loud
Real House Wines.
Want to feel old? Have sex with someone your own age.
if you like christmas so much why don’t you merry it
I saw the Cheesecake Factory trending and thought it died.
The way I act when I have to line my wheel up at the car wash you would think I’m trying to land a 747 on a tightrope.
Caught my son smoking pot then my wife walked in and caught me and our son smoking pot. Anyways I’m grounded.
18 asked me to explain osmosis so I told her it’s how she knows every 80’s soft hit.
*lawyer pops out of cake with divorce papers & pen in hand
Fun With Magnets: Monday Edition