4yo: What do you love most in the world?
Me: You & your brother
4yo: Oh
Me: What about you?
4yo: The fire tree in Plants vs. Zombies
Me: Oh
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Call me old fashioned, but I never cry in front of another man unless it’s to get out of a speeding ticket…
[face down in a bowl of hot soup]
waiter: is everything ok?
me: *bubble noises*
HER: I’m leaving you
ME: But why?
HER: There’s just no chemistry between us anymore
CHEMISTRY: Wow, I’m like right here
why do people say “i better sleep on it” when it’s like a serious thing they need to think about? i have dreams where i eat a tomato full of bees. how is that supposed to help my life choices?
[Nightcap]
Me: *giving tour* and this is my room.
Her: It’s….a….nice.
Me: Let me stop you there. The He-man sheets are purely decorative and in no way a reflection of my prowess in bed.
Oh, I just remembered. You’re boring…. and my legs work!
Discovered that when 10yo boys go on a school trip for 3 days, there’s no laundry when they come back because they’re unaware they can actually change their clothes
[trying to fit in with people at the gym]
me: *takes a big swig of gatorade* wow you can really taste the gator
Yeah, I know what my neighbors wear to bed. Not because I look in their windows; I just see them during the day at Walmart.
CW: What’s your middle name?
Me: It’s Mike.
CW: Oh. Well, what is your first name?
Me: I don’t have one.
My 6-year-old walked into the room and said, “Don’t worry, Dad. I’m OK.”
Time to search the house for whatever she destroyed.
My 16yo daughters boyfriend struggled with a capri sun for the last 10 minutes. I think it’s ok to leave her alone with him.
them: do you promise to tell the truth, the whole truth, and nothing but the truth, so help you god?
me: finger quotes sure
me: ..but is it peri-NE-um or per-IN-eum?
priest: for the third time, confession does not need to be this specific
Oh he looks allergic to me. I’ll go sit on him
~ cats
Guys are like bears, if you lay very still they’ll paw at you a little bit then give up and go look for food..
I just misread genetic as generic. I don’t know whether to blame the poor eyesight I inherited from my dad or these store brand reading glasses.
her: your frog jokes are terrible
me: so i’ve been toad, jen
My financial situation is so bad, I’M being sponsored by a child in Africa
Scientists say North America is going to sink into the ocean but we can change that.
With a healthy diet and a little bit of exercise.
Drove a wedge of suspicion today between the fast food employee at the first window and the one at the second.
So there’s a legend that in 1593, a soldier in Manila teleported to Mexico and I’ve never felt so connected to the lengths someone will go to for tacos.
Who him? Oh that’s just jimmy, I pay him to follow me around and inter-
*saxophone solo*
INTERRUPT MY SENTENCES WITH SAXOPHONE SOLOS.
I don’t have a gf, but I do know a woman who in the car often asks where this is going so I show her the GPS & she gets mad for some reason.
[dog dies in a movie]
Me: *crying*[human dies in a movie]
Me: *crying* why did they have to kill that dog earlier
WIFE: [walks in on me trying on Victoria’s Secret] OMG
ME: It’s not what you think! [shows receipt] They were on sale
WIFE: Oh thank God
Growing out my freckles.
My cat constantly looks at me like I asked her to give me a ride to the airport.
“Life Is a Highway” has gotta be my favorite song about having sex with a road