China are probably making all the medals anyway.
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why do boys change into their football tops to just sit in front of the telly to watch the game ahahah a don’t stick a pair a fangs on when am watching the vampire diaries
My house is cleaner than it’s ever been and given that no one is allowed to come over to see it you’ll just have to take my word for it
I really wish I had the power to put on a crown of pipette tips and command my cultures to do what I wanted them to do 👑
if my friends ever feel sad and they need to talk to somebody… they always know im right there… only 2-3 missed calls away
the perfect lunchbox d̶o̶e̶s̶n̶’̶t̶ ̶e̶x̶i̶s̶t̶
Me: So what do you do?
Date: I work with animals
Me: *imagining an office ran entirely by golden retrievers in suits* Your job sounds fun
hookup culture actually helps a lot of people clean their bedrooms
My 12yr old just handed me his proofs from picture day but before I could open the envelope he says “First, let me explain”
Not to brag but I walked by a group of guys today and heard one of them say “See? That’s why I’m gay.”
After 12 years of marriage we no longer spoon. We chopstick.
Too bad you can’t get abs from laughing at your own jokes because I would be shredded.
When the skirt was invented women only had one leg
flash mobs for serving divorce papers
Bummed about the early Scotland vote results. This was pretty much our best hope for seeing Shrek on a flag.
When they announce
“all youths stay behind after church. Your Help is needed around the church premises”Me:
I was disappointed he didn’t mean the UK when he said he’d take me to pound town.
Me looking a movie I hated up on Rotten Tomatoes to make sure other people hated it too
“Here’s your cup of Joe” – Joe at the sperm bank
“I…I don’t know, doc. I guess I’m just tired of being pushed around all the time.”
-Revolving Doors
*stubs toe
*puts $100 in the swear jar
I was going to learn to play the violin, but it was too much of a commitment.
I wanted something with no strings attached.
Stop saying ‘happy anniversary to my partner in crime.’
You do not commit crimes. You shop at Costco
Pretty arrogant of Red Delicious Apples to put “delicious” in their name. Like calm down. You’re still just an apple. You ain’t no prize.
We’re eating in 5 hours so I should probably start defrosting this turkey.
A thief broke into a car and only stole a Kit Kat. Who leaves a Kit Kat in a car unattended?
Milk crates are like a Swiss Army knife for the poor…
Need a stool? Milk crate!
A bookshelf? Milk crate! A side table? Two milk crates!
If you pedal backwards on a Peloton, fried chicken appears in the cup holder.
Looking through 15’s yearbook:
Me: you’d crack up looking at my high school yearbook from 1995.
8: did they have color pictures back then?
😒
Me: My son’s goldfish died. What should I do?
Him: Just flush him down the toilet
Me: Gotcha. And the fish?
I was just in line at the store and standing awkwardly and tried to put my hands in my pockets but my jeans don’t have pockets and THIS IS WHY WOMEN ARE ALWAYS ANGRY