The bear scene from The Revenant, except it’s just me opening a jar of pickles
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Your baby’s cute. Not baby elephant cute, but still cute.
Sharing a bed should be like boxing:
• meet in middle
• fist-bump
• put in mouthguards
• go to separate corners
• no touching until 1st bell
“People want to drink a panic attack.” — inventor of 5 Hour Energy
when i wake up with no”good morning baby” text 😡
* kids arguing loudly about which one of them is my favorite *
– dog & I exchange knowing glances and wink as I slip him another treat
[Commercial for lawnmowers]
[Exhausted looking guy stood in his garden]
*Stabs a long sword into the grass*
“There has to be a better way”
I love Instagram’s new direct messaging feature because I’ve always thought, “If only this picture of someone’s dinner was just for me.”
me: [kicking leaves in the park]
wife: how are you getting your leg so high
Hey check out this new candle I got.
-Sweet. What flavor is it?
I think you mean ‘what scent is it?’
*with a mouthful of candle wax*
-What?
First date the man should pick up the bill. In the absence of a bill look for William instead.
I wonder if Spiderman and Batman ever fight over who gets to eat the best bugs.
My kid hasn’t finished her homework but she did call a family meeting to show us the 20 slide presentation she created on why we should get a cat.
Spiders are all like, “I’m gonna build my home right above this dude’s head.”
“Daddy, where do babies come from?”
Show him Edna..
[mum stops slicing carrots]
*starts violently gagging until a baby slides out her mouth*
“It’s-a me… Where’s-a Thanos?”
Him: “Can we have a Doritos themed wedding?” Me: “no.” Him: “well, what kind of chips would you prefer?”
Why do we never see “Side effects may include spontaneous happiness, explosive giggling, uncontrollable hugging, and diarrhea”?
Imagine if you had a sunflower seed as big as a laptop. That is everyday life for a hamster.
My kids told me I have rizz and I feel flattered. Or insulted? Or confused. Definitely confused.
It doesn’t have to be a plane crash. If we’re stuck in traffic I’ll seriously consider eating the Uber driver.
They’re on their honeymoon
I’m such a disaster that 9/11 and The Titanic would go out on a date together and watch a movie about me.
Getting older is cool because you can take a deep breath and it’ll crack your back
Lost 4 stone and feel great, but it started with a trip to India where I got the shits, came back and everyone said well done on diet, had to carry on as I didn’t want to explain about the shits.
THEM: You are not alone.
ME: How dare you? I worked hard for this.
Once Bezos is in space we are going to have just 11 minutes to change the locks on the entire planet. It’s going to be tight; we can do it.
New healthcare plan in case Obamacare is defunded: the entire country pays for hospital bills by cooking meth.
a fun game to play at the zoo is to walk hurriedly past a person and say “they’ve escaped. don’t run. just walk very fast.”