Tell your wife her butt looks big in those jeans.
Live a little.
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Me: *pointing gun at husband*
Husband: are you kidding?? he’s obviously the fake
Obvious Evil Clone: *stroking hideous goatee*
Me: but he does all of the laundry
Husband: oh no
How to be a politician 101:
Answer all yes/no questions with the words “Well, look” and then answer a completely different question.
carpooler: what’d you think “beat the traffic” meant?
ryu from streetfighter: I don’t wanna talk about it
My 5 stages of grief:
1.
2.
3.
4.
5. Are you gonna eat that?
Halloween: The one day I can flap my arms like a bat and nobody asks any questions.
Stranger adds me to facebook
*has a panic attack*Creepy as hell stranger follows on twitter
*does victory dance*
Johnny Depp was the ultimate bad boy until he started looking like my great aunt.
*space aliens land on earth*
these humans seem fairly intelligent…
*they log onto facebook*
…who need to be destroyed immediately
Diet Tip: Your pants can’t get too tight if you never wear any
I stuck a “Baby On Board” sign on my minivan to warn the other drivers how fussy and tantrum-y I get when traffic’s bad or I miss my nap.
fake deep people on this website will post like “do not spend time explaining yourself to people who are committed to misunderstanding you” because they got in trouble for being on their cell phone at work
*being murdered*
Him: You should of kept your mouth shut
Me: No. It’s should HAVE
*gets stabbed another 84 times*
My mom: sure use any towel.
Also my mom: not that one.
Your salary is just your company’s monthly subscription of you
Robber: I’ll kill you if your wife doesn’t answer my questions
Me: Oh God ok
Robber: Where’s the safe?
Wife: Over there
Robber: What’s the code?
Wife: 5743
Robber: What do you want for dinner?
Me: oh no
My husband asked me why I never blink during sex, I told him there just isn’t enough time.
Nobody:
Every chicken recipe: PARSLEY, SAGE, ROSEMARY, AND THYME
it’s always a fun time when a wrong number texts you
If the Bing chatbot isn’t called Chandler, then what’s the point of anything anymore.
There’s really no good explanation when a friend sees a ruler sitting on the end table next to your bed.
When rapping in my car, I hold my phone to my ear so passersby think I’m on an intense business call.
*KNOCK KNOCK* OPEN UP ITS THE POLICE
“What do you want?”
YOU’RE UNDER ARRES-
“No.”
..NO??
“No, I don’t want to be.”
*whispers* Shit now what
It’s so reassuring when your nephew asks for your birth year and then replies with woah, did you go to war?
drake: twenni one, can you do something for meee
21 savage emerging from his pokeball: twenty one
My dog loves going for hikes but I carry him for most of it because his feet get cold so I guess technically he likes being carried around in a winter forest setting.
[first date]
ME: Don’t let her know you’re a teacher
HER: [eats mint from purse] So, w-
ME: I HOPE YOU BROUGHT ENOUGH FOR THE WHOLE CLASS
911: Whats ur emergency?
“OMG my neighbours cat is stuck on the roof-”
911: Ma’am, this is an emergency only service-
“-of my sons mouth.”
He was a man of peace…until they burned down his village. Now, the quest for vengeance has turned him into…A Man Of Burning Things Down
Family Clue night in my house be like: It was the teen in the kitchen with the bag of Doritos.