ME: *gives single fried shrimp to a blackjack dealer* one gambling please
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Hot Girl: Hey, u single?
Me: I am.
HG: Cool, can I take this extra chair?
Things that made my toddler cry this week:
– I wouldn’t let the dog drive him to daycare
– the bath was “too wet”
– he wanted syrup for breakfast…just syrup
– his sister “keeps looking at him”
– he wants shoes like his friend Jacob (there is no Jacob)How about your kid?
This empty bowl of cake batter taught me I shouldn’t volunteer to make cupcakes for weddings alone.
I miss the good ol’ days until I remember things like having to get out of my chair and smack the tv to get a clearer picture.
[alternate universe]
cows on a road-trip: look a car!
“What did you make milk out of today?” [Overheard in the library]
This “violence in the workplace” seminar is only teaching us what we shouldn’t do. No fighting techniques or anything.
I remember my first time at a mic. “Cleanup on aisle 5” & “Price check-Advil” were two early bits that really seemed to resonate with folks.
13: can I play video games?
ME: yep
WIFE: nope
ME: absolutely not go think about what you’ve done don’t look at me in that tone of voice
Me: A stranger is just a friend you haven’t met.
Stranger: No.
I hate him I hate him I hate him I hate him I hate him I hate him I hate him I hate him I hate him I hate him
GOD, I hope he calls me.
I do NOT have a drinking problem. I use a straw so technically it’s a “sipping” problem.
[two women sunbathing in garden]
“It’s so nice out here”
“Where’s that creepy guy who lives next door?”
HEDGE “He’s away for the weekend”
Son: Sometimes I wish I was a triceratops!
Me: *imagining being crushed by a meteorite* Me too buddy
wife [on Facebook] Spent the day with the kids. We had so much fun!
wife [to me] Do you know what those little shits did to me today?
Took my kids’ car seats out to clean them. Found a whole box of Cheerios & 2 buckets of sand.
What a wicked game you play
To make me feel this way
What a wicked thing to do
Detective Pikachu
Cellmate: What are you in for?
Me: The free food and healthcare
*flips table*
YO WHO CALLED THEM EXPIRATION DATES INSTEAD OF SPOILER ALERTS
Friend: you’ve been acting weird ever since you won that hundred dollars
Me: what ever do you mean, old sport?
I’m not sure what’s more distressing:
Someone had the idea to invent a 72 hour deodorant.
Or that there’s a market for 72 hour deodorant.
The worst thing about a Dyson cordless is that you can only vacuum for 15 minutes before the battery dies.
The best thing about a Dyson cordless is that you can only vacuum for 15 minutes before the battery dies.
Him: I hate that you ask so many questions.
Me: why? What do you mean?
DONALD TRUMP (45 minutes into watching wall-e): this film is not what i hoped it would be
Me watching someone get cooked by the timeline for an opinion i agree with
Dear Religion,
Pics or it didn’t happen.
Love, Science
The word “brewery” sounds like a drunk guy slurring a better word
[First day on the job with Scooby-Doo and the gang]
Me: ok this giant dog keeps eating my sandwiches
[walks into interview wearing light up Sketchers]
WALMART INTERVIEWER: whoa I didn’t know corporate was coming
Can I go out and do drugs tonight dad?
EXCUSE ME?!
*sighs* MAY I go out and do drugs tonight dad
*snaps newspaper* that’s better