Gave this artichoke the heimlich maneuver and now he’s artiokay.
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Me: How’s it look?
Doc: You have 2 months to live
M: WHAT?? You’re my dentist!
D: Then you don’t need to come back for a cleaning in 6 mos
[job interview]
BOSS: Describe yourself
ME: Can’t you see me?
I can’t believe someone had the audacity to tell ME *gestures wildly at self* that I’m dramatic
saw a couple walking into trader joe’s and the girl said “wow look at all the pretty flowers” and the guy replied “oh yeah it must be flower season” please pray for him
[MasterChef]
GORDON RAMSAY: Describe the dish
ME: *proudly* Ceramic, chef.
You can’t embarrass me. My parents practiced disco dancing in our living room while my friends were over.
*admires David at the museum* I can’t believe a teenage mutant ninja turtle sculpted this
CDC: we need 2 million ventilators
STARBUCKS BARISTA: what’s a lator
My Sentiments Exactly
[funeral]
ME: [giving eulogy] we lost a man, but we gained a corpse
Huge respect for Parasite, but Ford v Ferrari deserved to win just for the opening scene
Please don’t tell my kids they haven’t got a pet chameleon.
Travis Kelce is living the dream of every unknown comedian rn. Having hordes of people share your old tweets and being like, “this guy is hilarious”
[first date]
HER: I’m a really big cat person
ME: *leans in really close* You don’t look anything like a cat
“Robby! Hey man I haven’t seen you since we were kids!”
Rob: Hey! I go by Robert now. It’s good to see you, Barry!
“I go by Barold now”
Me: *opens gift wrapped positive pregnancy test*
Wife: So…what do you think?
Me: I asked for an iPhone
Pretty sure nobody would run marathons if they were never allowed to talk about running marathons.
Finishing a book is like saying goodbye to an old friend. Finishing a show you binge-watched is like staggering out of a motel where you’ve been holed up for 24 hours with someone you met while trying to score crack.
me: [puts a snorkel and flippers on my horse]
water polo ref: still no
hear me out…
…lasagna-flavoured cologne
not lasagna-scented, i said flavoured
*licks wrists*
Here you go, Merry Christmas!
“Dad, why’d you wrap our gifts in soft fabric?”
Because I wanted to make-
Mom: NO DON’T
My presents felt
“POLICE, COME OUT WITH YOUR HANDS UP.”
Show me a badge.
*cop gets badge out*
I didn’t say Simon Says.
“Let’s go home guys. Sorry, my fault.”
My condolences to all the pets called stupid names.
Confuse your least favorite person at work by moving in slow motion when they’re the only person watching you
Immediately de-escalating an international conflict by posting an angry looking selfie with the caption “Come on, guys.”
This is the one
“Wow, haha, this is awkward. I didn’t think anyone was home. Uh…oh well…bears gotta maul…amirite?”
Happy third birthday to the tartar sauce in my fridge
“Doesn’t it feel good to Payless?” no, i want to be rich & shop at good stores
No, you typed your password instead of the amount in the payment window.