Him: you have 3 Starbucks coffees in your car?
Me: one’s for you
Him: and the other one?
Me: *remembering that I wanted to try a new flavor but also got my usual in case I don’t like it* I’m having an affair.
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Me, trying to be quiet walking through the house this morning:
My knees and ankles: “Let me sing you the song of my people!”
I’ve found god.
It’s my turn to hide now.
just took 3 times my normal dose of adderall finally gonna get to the bottom of this whole amelia earhart thing
Our system is shit. I’m 24 and only have two years left on my moms health insurance. Then, I have to find a new mother
Alexa: remind me to feed the baby
*flips table*
YO WHO CALLED THEM EXPIRATION DATES INSTEAD OF SPOILER ALERTS
It’s that time between Christmas and New Years when the fridge is still packed but with random Christmas items so get ready for a casserole of figs, garlic stuffed olives, pineapple jam, and King’s Hawaiian rolls.
There are usually two types of merchants.
Imagine a world without Queen. We’d have no idea who the champions are
*pulls pristine, luscious lips out of an ornate golden box*
“Actually, THIS is the mouth I kiss my mother with”
Barbies and voodoo dolls are not interchangeable. I know this. My daughter knows this.
My daughter’s enemies? You better believe they know this.
[throwing face stocking and grappling hook back in trunk]
“Dammit!”
They went back to his place after what could only be described as the perfect first date.
“So, what are you really looking for?” he asked her.
“Honestly,” she laughed. “A guy that can load a dishwasher correctly.”
“Go ahead, open it.” he replied, a grin forming on his face.
Kids will do something that makes you angry and you’ll tell them it makes you angry and they’ll cry and tell you they don’t want you to be angry while continuing to do the thing that makes you angry.
Nailed it!👇🏻🤣🤣😆
[bursts into garage]
“why is your car still on? you’ve been in here for 3 days”
i’m trying to kill myself
“but you drive an electric car”
The state of my house can best be described as ‘there seems to have been a struggle
My kids locked me out of the house when I was taking the trash bins to the curb.
Don’t threaten me with a good time. I won’t come back
I’m not transphobic, I used to play with toy locomotives all the time!
How much for the goth pool noodles?
Revenge is not a dish you dumb fucks.
You’re 11. RT @pepsi: A Pepsi party means _____. #LiveForNow
* heats water for tea in the microwave *
* delights at the reactions from purists *
I WON’T TELL YOU AGAIN!
~ me to my kids for the 387th time today
Uncle Frank’s will stipulates he be cremated & his ashes added to the vegetable water sprayers at the local grocery store.
He will be mist.
ME (watching Chopped): Don’t braise the cod in the camembert! You never serve fish with cheese!
ME (in my kitchen later, alone): Today, I plan to make a rehydrated ramen consommé using boiled water from the tap and the shrimp spices from this packet.
Blue smoke – Boy
Pink smoke – Girl
White smoke – Pope
I just told my wife it took her longer to pick a Netflix movie than it took me to pick out her engagement ring and that was a bad analogy.
Aries: You will be transported into a video game. Don’t get excited. You’ll be a tree.