bank website: you have one password attempt remaining before we kill your entire family
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My husbands pet name for me is “What did you do to the non-stick pan?”
Could you play us a song?
Cat Stevens: Maybe.
*Sets guitar on table*
Cat Stevens: *Maintains eye contact-slowly pushes guitar off table*
I don’t care what pasta costs because it’s worth every penne.
[mosh pit]
me: HELLOOO TRYING TO DRINK A LATTE HERE
pat pat
Dead sexy!!
the first cicada of the season just walked itself right into my fire pit. 13 years under ground looked at the world and said nope
“I’ll take movies for $500 Alex”
Tim Burton directed this dark tale starring Johnny Depp & Helena Bonham Carter
“You gotta be kidding me”
A mom hits peak passive aggressive when faced with the request “tell me a story”
Well Billy, once upon a time there was a little boy who literally never picked up his shit
I told my doctor I broke my leg in two places. He said I should prolly not go to those places anymore.
5’s excuse for not going to sleep last night was that he has the hiccups.
He didn’t hiccup.
He didn’t fake-hiccup.
He just stated that he “has the hiccups”.
I attempted a smoky eye for a Zoom pitch, but instead it looks like I survived a bar fight so I’m going with that story.
Not to brag but I can forget what I’m doing as I’m doing it
ME: what language is this
BING: croatian
ME: nice what does it say
BING: how the heck would I know
My dad: Too many lamps in a room we are sitting in is wasting electricity
Also my dad: Installs a dozen flood lights to illuminate the outside of the house
Husband: *leaves to run an errand*
Me: *crosses out “get husband to leave” off to-do list*
Its really disgusting how other white people dont even know about the plight of [quickly wikipedias “Who is having alot of plight 2012]
doctor: [pulling out anal beads]
me: this is embarrassing
doctor: sorry I should have done it before you arrived
Guy who pronounces HOA like boa
Man about to invent sparkling water: Water is so good but I wish that it tasted terrible and made me feel sick.
Being an adult is like watching a foreign movie with no subtitles in a crowded theater, everyone else knows what’s going on and you just nod
Canadian: spell colour
American: no u spell color
Canadian: u
American: no u
hey babe come look at the cat. he looks the same as he always does and hes just sitting there. babe come look. hey come look at the cat
Just saw two identical twins out in public together. No disrespect to that lifestyle but please keep it private
Friend: I’m visiting the U.K. this summer. Should I pack for warm weather or cold weather?
Me: yes
Me: I like my whiskey like my marriage
Bar tender: On the rocks?
Me: What? No. Full of coke
“911 what’s ur emergency”
This guy’s not breathing
“Did u send him ur vibes?”
Yes I been sending em
“I’m sending some too”
Okay he good now
Henchman: boss I need to take Thursday and Friday off
Mob Boss: ok but please have all your crimes done by Wednesday end of day
Björk is probably my favorite singer named after the sound a dodgeball makes