Ayy girl, are you Ohio? Because we should be Dayton.
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ME: let’s not fight
DOCTOR: you punched me
ME: you stabbed me
DOCTOR: with a needle
ME: let’s not fight
Call your dad now and ask him what the wifi password is so he has time to find the little paper it’s written on before Thanksgiving.
I don’t know, my pockets are always stuffed full of things I need.
waiter: and how would you like your steak cooked?
me: umm on a grill?
waiter: no how would you like it served?
me (embarrassed laugh): oh silly me. on a plate please
Just a reminder that with Die Hard, Robin Hood and Love Actually, ‘Alan Rickman ruins Christmas’ is a whole movie subgenre.
I’m so glad you’re all here. I’d like to talk to you all about a legging candle vitamin jewelry networking opportunity. Please, have a seat.
RELATIONSHIP STATUS: Praying for telemarketers to call so I can experience human contact as I slowly dissolve into dust
sir, my pâté if you please
“That seems like a you problem” was my favorite comeback until my 5 yo said it to me
I’d like the chicken-fried steak, please.”
Uh lemme get back to you
*runs to kitchen*
YO WE GOT ANY CHICKENS THAT KNOW HOW TO FRY A STEAK
If eHarmony were honest, it would pair some people with a room full of cats.
shopping channels are insane. they be like “today we have this delightful egg peeler that can also be used as a non slip shower mat”
When they wheel me out in a body bag I hope someone sticks a pair of googly eyes on the outside.
What’s worse than a chick telling you she only thinks of you as a friend? When she says she thinks of you like a brother.
please send your thoughts and prayers to my 8 yo who has a loose tooth and he is now incapable of doing anything such as emptying the dishwasher or eating veggies because they’re too hard to chew.
Heading out crocodile.
See you another time alligator.
Sexy Time:
*removes fluffy bathrobe to reveal second even fluffier bathrobe*
Mashed, baked or roasted? I could be asking either how you prefer your potatoes or how you like to spend your weekends.
Do we still do thirst traps threads? I’m having a really good bellybutton day and it’s totally going to waste
I decided to stop wearing bamboo t-shirts after I got attacked by a family of koalas.
Boss: Staff meeting at 3:00.
Me: I can’t come, I’m allergic.
Boss: But we’re not serving food.
Me: … yeah now I really can’t come.
[coworker starts talking to me at my cubicle]
Welp, nice chatting. This is my stop.
[puts in earbuds]
doctor: how often do you exercise
me: does sex count
doctor: yes
me: twice a day
doctor: with other living ppl?
me: why would you specify living
doctor: just answer
me: no I don’t exercise
The fact that dudes go on a diet but they call it “biohacking” is so funny to me.
Like if men started knitting they would call it “hyper threading” or “powertangling” or some shit
COP: [flashes his light into my car]
ME: *struggles to roll down window* “Sorry this isn’t my car.”
Me: Can I get you a drink?
Her: I don’t know. Can you?
Me: *checking wallet* No.
Honey, were out of snake food.
“What? For what snake?”
Honey, I bought a snake
The best way to save money on dental floss is by having your dentist remove every second tooth so your toothbrush fits between the gaps, instead.
Tune in tomorrow for another secret the Illuminati don’t want you to know.
“My hair is noisy”
“My toe nails are itchy”
“someone peed in my pants”– A list of my 4 year-old’s 3 a.m. Grievances.