Repair guy: your AC unit is 26 years old which makes it hard to stay cool
Me: well I’m 42 and I’m still cool
Repair guy:
Me: *winks*
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Oh, you’re a politician? Name all the politics
Friend: I got a job as a carpenter, but it sucks.
Me: No prob, just learn a few magic tricks and people will worship you as their savior.
Getting emails texts and calls from school during the school year: WHAT DO THEY WANT NOW??
Getting emails, texts and calls from school in August: IS IT STARTING EARLY?! CAN I TAKE HER NOW??!
Cashier: Hello
Me: Is it me your looking for… I can see it in your eyes..
Cashier:…
Me: Sorry, this is my first rap battle.
Me: I prefer telling outside jokes.
Coworker: Don’t you mean inside jokes?
Me: Not to you
Sometimes I put a cashew in my mouth for the dentist to find.
That’s *exactly* what Meghan Markle would say.
I don’t need a partner in crime, I got this shit.
I may however need an alibi.
IDGAF if you’re black, white, yellow, brown or blue.
Well, I do if you’re blue, I’ll stop and give you CPR if you’re blue.
How can I get invited to one of these knife fights everyone keeps talking about? Can we do it over zoom
I’m not a mechanic so I don’t know why, but my car seems to make a screaming noise whenever I run over people.
friend: what’s the difference between ignorance and indifference?
me: I don’t know and I don’t care
You never really forget how to misquote sayings. It’s like buying a bicycle
The mailman told my husband he banged every woman on the block, except for 1, I told him it had to be Carol next door, she’s really not friendly
Birds are fed by their parents in their infancy. When the time comes to feed themselves, there can be some confusion when the food does not go into their mouth by itself.
Had to stop at Walmart for golf balls. Of course they’re all the way in the back. And it occurred to me as I was going to get them that I was walking further than I can hit the damn things.
Nobody knows how much work I put into looking only this fat.
oooh pretty wing tattoos on your back, do they symbolize how you have no idea how big wings need to be to carry your weight
The date was going great until she spooked me and then I squirted her with ink and quickly swam away
me: let’s go to bed earlier like responsible adults
brain: great idea[10pm]
me: so do we just like lay here or what
brain: i have no idea
“Fine mom! If you’re not going to let me have cookies, I’m gonna go in my room!!”
{inaudible whisper}
no. please don’t go.
How a career in technical writing ruined me as a letter writer
me: *on my 100th crunch at the gym*
employee: ur getting cheeto dust on the weights
[graduation]
…and I owe it all to my mom, and my late dad *sheds tear*
[crowd cries]
*dad walks in holding starbucks*
“traffic, my bad”
Beer enthusiasts should have an OnlyCans.
“I get knocked down, but I get up again
You’re never gonna keep me down”~Bowling pins
‘Let’s just agree to disagree.’
-Me, saying grace at the dinner table.
[church]
1-year-old: *throws a tantrum*
Me: This is the worst place for a meltdown.
Wife: Nuclear power plants?
Me: Second worst place.
BOUNCER: I’m sorry miss, you are too drunk to come in.
ME: [lifting shirt] initiate Care Bear Stare!
BOUNCER: Oh, my mistake
ME: [smiling proudly]
BOUNCER: I’m sorry SIR, you are too drunk to come in.