My worst case scenarios:
•A case falling on me.
•Being hit with a case.
•Being locked inside a case.
•Carrying a case for a long distance.
You Might Also Like
When we’re leaving a hotel room we check drawers we didn’t even use at least five times.
But weight, there’s more!
– Thanksgiving
*offers Batman cough drops*
it’s always the wrong ex who gets drunk and messages you a million times about how much he loves you.
judge: your word is meaningless.
me: meaningless. m-e-a-
lawyer: [hand on shoulder] just sit down.
Playing catch with my 8yo, I missed a high throw and said “could’ve got that in my 30s.” He replied “oh yea when you get old you get shorter.”
Text your husband “I know your secret” and he’ll bring you home so many awesome presents!
You don’t even need to know what the secret is!
My favourite movie romance is Keanu Reeves and Sandy Bullock in Speed because they meet by overcoming the greatest relationship hardship of all: when a woman is driving and a man is trying to give her directions
14 y.o.: OMG MOM!!!! Are you okay?!?! Do you need some water? Are you having a heart attack? Why does your face look like that?
⠀
Me: I’m not having a heart attack, I just ran for five minutes.
Therapist: And what do we say when we feel like this?
Me: That’s show biz baby
Therapist: No
Gmail: Please sign in again for your safety.
Chrome: oh wait, I remember the password, never mind.
[about to message girl he likes]
Me: I should just talk to her like I would anyone else. Be myself. And not act stupid.
Brain: OR
Had salad for the third night in a row and now I get why you’re so angry, vegans
EGYPTIAN KING: we shall build religious monuments. they will baffle future science.
SUBJECT: what shall we worship?
EGYPTIAN KING: cats
Pretty sure my cold is trying to seduce me. I sneezed and my bra unsnapped.
My greatest fear is waking up after being buried alive so I’ve decided to be cremated
*wakes up in cremation oven*
Watching the new Aladdin with my kids and niece and nephew.
15 year old niece: I totally had no idea Will Smith could sing before this movie.
Me: Yeah, he’s been gettin’ jiggy wit it for decades!
15: Uhhh…what?
Me: Never mind.
I’ve been pretending to know what “zeitgeist” means for a really long time now.
Being cute just died. Men are going to want a woman that can catch a chicken now.
[caught getting last piece of pie out of fridge]
And I would have gotten away with it too, if it wasn’t for that meddling open door beep!
pretty messed up how “what are you weaknesses” is an acceptable question in job interviews but not on first dates
Controversial opinion: no one should be cutting down a Christmas tree unless they intend on eating it.
Money can’t buy you love, but it can buy you toilet paper.
Which is basically the same thing.
*his phone rings*
Me: who is she?
Him: huh
Me: who is Potential Spam!?
things a whale might end an email with:
-i hope this email finds you whale
-best fishes
-may your days be full of peace and krillthings a whale probably wouldn’t end an email with:
-f*** y**
-you’re d*****t
-i am going to find and kill you
me when my friends ask me to look after their kids
Very suspicious that this keeps happening
H: You’re a narcissist.
Me: But I’m pretty, right?
H: Not my type.
Me: Funny?
H: Annoying.
M: The MOST annoying?
H: Yes,
M: I’ll take it.
Wife: The soap recipe calls for essential oils
Me: *pours*
Wife: And now lye
Me: I’m *not* attracted to several of the Muppets
Wife: What
Me: What
*after sex
No, you cannot sleep over.
Husband: