If you get nervous when the IT support desk takes control of your computer remember they’re whispering “no weirdos please” to themselves.
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Lead me not into temptation. Take my hand and I’ll show you a shortcut.
[shampoo bottle falls in the bath]
all other bottles: WE ARE COMING FOR YOU, BROTHER
*going through airport security*
My brain: what if you’re secretly a drug dealer? What if you packed a gun you don’t own? Are you absolutely sure you didn’t accidentally fill your pockets with explosives?
[Google search history]
Moles
How to kill moles
How to make homemade bombs
Rescue moles from cave-in
Dealing with regret
Mole stew
About the only thing I’ve learned from playing Angry Birds is that the pigs could definitely benefit from a comprehensive revamp of their building codes which currently allow construction using unsecured masonry, glass, balloons, and boxes of TNT.
Yes I run a porn site. It was an accident.
How to help someone who’s cooking a barbecue:
1. Stand at their side
2. Keep one hand on your hip
3. Other hand holding a drink
4. Stare at the food
5. Occasionally say “those sausages might be done I reckon”
6. That’s it. You’ve been invaluable
Sir this bag is too heavy, you’ll have to pay an extra $25 to check it.
Sure thing *dumps 2500 pennies from bag onto counter*
I forgot the word for donut so I said cop bagel
She was murdered by the toddler. In the bathroom. With his hundredth question.
-Parent version of Clue
Don’t get too excited when someone says “and Bob’s your uncle”. It’s just a figure of speech
I impose tariffs on my children by taking a bite of each Poptart before I hand it to them, and let me tell you, the markets don’t like it
God: Noah, I need an ark.
Noah: Why don’t you ask Joseph, the carpenter?
God: Uh [huge grin] cos I’m banging his wife? [raises hand] up top?
それは草
Welcome back to Taco Addicts Anonymous. Congratulations everyone here on stayin clean for 4 months and-
[loud crunch noise in back of room]
smoking a cigarette reduces your life by 11min unless you smoke it real fast then it only takes like 3 or 4
Me, wearing face mask. Flight attendant: “are you gonna be like this all night?” Me: “yes!! It’s the best mask ever. From Korea. Collagen! Ugh it’s called….Let me get the package out of the trash so you can see ok one sec” flight attendant: “no I just mean like, awake”
I’ve realized there’s more to life than social media so I guess this is goodbye for the next 12 minutes.
Invited my girlfriend to a charity bbq where they’re roasting a whole pig and when she asked ‘what’s the charity’ I said it was for the pig’s family.
They say people with pets live longer. Many assume it’s all the love and affection. I think it’s all the bending down to pick stuff up.
I like to relax by sampling different types of cheese while people watching.
Walmart clerk: ma’am, put down the block of cheese and get out of the display
do you mean bf like best friend or boyfriend or bread festival
Him: Sometimes I worry about you.
Me: Yeah, I worry about me, too.
ouch
Why is everyone worried about meteors instead of the possibility that Russia just got their own Superman?
HER: (touching my chest) What a fascinating tattoo…
ME: Thanks. I was carrying a squid and a porcupine, and I tripped.
Historical fact: The term “bro” originated over a hundred million years ago and was short for brontosaurus.
How to place cats on green screens using Adobe After Effects everywhere
hey maybe ur parents care so much about ur birthday becuase it celebrates how long theyve been able to keep something alive for