her: let’s try roleplaying
me: can I be a hypochondriac?
her: you got it
me: *suddenly nervous* got what
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There’s 7 million people in this world and you think I’m gonna let one customer with a bad attitude to ruin my day??? damn right I am I’ll probably even go cry in the freezer too
DON’T TELL ME THAT PLANTS MAKING THEIR OWN FOOD ISNT AMAZING. THATS LIKE YOU GOING TO TACO BELL BUT THE TACOS WERE INSIDE YOU THE WHOLE TIME
[after sex]
Her: *lights up smoke*
Me: *unwraps toothpick*
ME: Can you have it fixed by Friday?
ABACUS REPAIR GUY: I wouldn’t count on it.
ME: I know. How about Friday?
Another interesting #factupdates post!
The great songs ask the eternal questions: Where have all the flowers gone? How can you mend a broken heart? Who let the dogs out?
Not everyone was dancing in the moonlight. Some of us were trying to sleep.
Five second rule? Pfft. What’s the point of having an immune system if you’re not going to use it?
Pro tip: fake having telekinesis powers by throwing stuff at people as soon as they’re not looking
This needs to be over soon because my husband is starting to realize I’m not out of his league.
This guy would have upwards of 50k followers on this site, and his tweets would be absolutely insane
This was a terrible day, I’m having live grenades for dinner.
[first day as a judge]
ME: *bangs gavel* order! order!
GUY: *lowers menu* take it easy buddy what’s with the robe
doctor: get ready to say ‘aah’
me: why are we on the roof
I don’t really like pie, but I will still eat six pieces to be polite.
My ex did that thing where if I made a joke, he’d repeat it louder & try to take credit for it. So I started sharing incorrect facts with him which he’d blindly believe & repeat to others. He tried to convince his boss that tofu was made from recycled erasers. His boss was vegan.
If The Bachelor was realistic they’d ask each other where they want to go out to eat and then never make a decision.
A restaurant specifically for people in their thirties and over with flattering lighting, tums for appetizers and complimentary advil with every drink order
My mom said I have a cousin twice removed and now I’m wondering how you can screw up so badly you get disowned two times.
[texting]
Him: What’re you doing
Me: Watching a chicken strip
H: Why don’t you just eat it
M: BECAUSE SHE’S BUSY DANCING, TODD
colleague: do u like the clown from IT?
me: nah he never fixes my computer
I’m a Brit, you’re Canadian. Please don’t thank me for thanking you, I’ll only feel compelled to thank you back and before you know it we’ll have been at it all night.
If we only could have known that nap time in Kindergarten was the best life/work balance we would ever achieve.
I’VE BEEN DIETING ALL WEEK!
I’M STARVING!
-Me, on a Tuesday
I’m not a religious person but I am thankful that God didn’t make spiders that fly.
Watching a Canadian stream, I just saw an ad for “OK Tire”. That’s the kind of business I want to buy from, one where I’m 75% sure the tires won’t just explode on the highway.
A 12-year-old just yelled out the passenger window of his mom’s SUV that I don’t look very attractive (I’m wearing a mask).
I can’t begin to express how relieved I am that preteen boys want nothing to do with me, so I will never be removing this mask.
If you’re a grown man walkin around with a winter hat that has animal ears I can tell that @ some point people used 2 take your lunch money
Apple announces iPhone bug that allows it to be hacked with a single click, in a ‘more intuitive and natural way than an Android bug’.
Forget spiders, I’ve incidentally consumed at least a kilo of dog hair.