Me: Our neighbor is such a perv
Wife: Is he staring at our bedroom window again?
Me: *sets down binoculars* Yep
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hot air balloon pilot: we’re gonna crash
me: oh no
hot air balloon pilot:
me:
hot air balloon pilot:
me:
hot air balloon pilot: aaany minute
“Well well well if it isn’t the guy I’m stalking.”
“Get out of my hamper.”
This is amazing.
My wife thought it would be cute to take a shower with our toddler and now there’s poop in the tub and everyone is screaming.
Nice try, cheese graters, cheese is already great.
me: *offering joint* wanna hit
giraffe:
me: nvm ur already high lol
[later]
scientist: first time we’ve seen a giraffe eat a human
I made a graph showing my past relationships. It has an ex axis and a why axis.
[arriving in hell]
me: i didn’t know i’d have to wear what i died in forever
satan: where did you even find denim underwear
Stop playing that stupid game and pick a Netflix movie Arthur!
Sometimes when the hubs isn’t motivated to do yard work I’ll lie and say guests are arriving soon…my man’s hidin behind a mower in no time
Nothing creates permanent frown lines quite like receiving anti-aging skin products as a birthday gift
I’m “had to actually call a girl on the home phone to ask her out while hoping my mom didn’t pick up and start dialing” years old.
My uterus really needs a new lining every month? Seems ungrateful. What’s wrong with the lining I got you last month. It was brand new
oppen heimer style lol
Today, I learned the correct way to abbreviate Assistant Manager in a reply-to-all;
And the way I did it.
me: you have to be nice or Santa won’t bring you any toys this year
5:
me:
5: my brother lets me play with his
Tyler on Facebook says he ran 1.7 miles this morning… So based on calculations, I have 35 minutes to ransack his house tomorrow morning.
That photo you’ve seen of me pushing children down to get in line 1st at the Pizza Hut buffet is most likely AI generated.
Sorry I’m late, there was traffic and I lied about when I left.
I didn’t know children could be old enough to eat $70 worth of sushi but still have to be told to flush the toilet after every use
an octopus is just a wet spider
“Why am I not asleep?” he thought, while shining a beam of pure information directly into his eyes from eight inches away.
“Archeology is just like search and rescue only everyone’s been dead for 5,000 years, so there’s no rush”
To tree roots that look remarkably like snakes:
You’re not funny.
The dog version of Die Hard:
– Barkatomi Plaza
– John McGoodboy
– Holly Gennaroof
– Alan Rickman is a mailman
– Arfgyle
I swear Amazon is just dropping random shit off in front of my house at this point.
👏GIVE 👏THE 👏OTHER 👏49 👏STATES 👏THEIR 👏OWN 👏CHAINSAW 👏MASSACRE 👏MOVIES
Reporter: What went wrong in the Challenger launch?
NASA: have you ever built a space ship?
Reporter: well no bu-
NASA: it’s really hard
i’m not paying off my credit cards anymore if they wanted that money back they shouldn’t have gave it to me
13: Can I have the password for Amazon?
Me: Certainly, honey. Ready?
13: Yep
Me: I-N-Y-O-U-R-D-R-E-A-M-S