Let’s be honest Jurassic Park is about capitalistic hubris not science gone wrong. The science went gloriously right
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I am SO DONE WITH MEN. Most of them, anyway. At least one of them. I am SO DONE WITH AT LEAST ONE OF THE MEN.
A tropical depression is just like a regular depression. Except instead of being unable to get out of bed, you can’t get out of a hammock.
Respond to every “How was your weekend?” today by staring off into the distance & whispering “So much blood…”
make your kid’s birthday party a special one they’ll be talking about in therapy for years
Patient: I’m going to miss you. If I need anything how do I reach you?
Me: Pentagram and a dead goat
huge valentines day plans this year!!
Please be on notice:
From this point forward, I shall tweet exactly whatever autocorrect provides.
I’m sorry if that isn’t exact whet you were expectorant.
Relationships: Because sometimes destroying your life is a two person job.
Bon Jovi promising we were half way there 37 years ago is why I have trust issues
“Is that a dead body?” I heard a young child ask her mom as they passed me by. So, yeah, skiing is going pretty well.
Cop: This is a ticket for drunk and disorderly behavior.
Me: Can I have another? I’d like to bring a guest.
It must be hard to be a rapper knowing at any moment your enemies may make beautiful poems about you
Biden: Told Trump about Carter’s ghost in the West Wing
Obama: Carter is still alive
Biden: He doesn’t know that
I see WWIII is about to kick off again. I’d best cancel the milk and get the cat in.
Boy if these walls could talk I’d be like “HOLY SHIT TALKING WALLS”
“No points, illegal kick to the face.”
“But I’m the hero of this movie.”
“Fair enough, here’s your trophy.”
-The Karate Kid
My brother says that after you reach a certain age, you become more concerned about the hereafter.
As in:
I cam into this room. what did I come here after?
smh
Idea: “Celebrity Price Is Right” where Gwyneth Paltrow guesses that loaves of bread cost $460
“What if it makes me look stupid,” she said redundantly.
If someone sees you accidentally bite into plastic fruit, commit. don’t show weakness. eat all of it
Polar Bear: AHHHHHHHH.
God: please stop screaming.
Polar Bear: but I’m a ghost bear!
God: you aren’t a ghost bear.
Polar Bear: are you sure?
God: that’s just how you look.
Polar Bear: oh. ok.
[Swan flies by]
God: AHHHHH GHOST DUCK!
Her: Wasn’t it fun cutting down our own Christmas tree?
Me: Yea, especially when that guy chased us out of his yard…
mom: what’s that internet thing called, “scream shitting”?
me: …
me: shitposting?
mom: SHITPOSTING.
Matthew 28, John 20. Luke 24, Mark 21. That means Matthew and Luke will meet in the finals.
Drinking 8 glasses of water isn’t easy, but I get really thirsty when I eat Funyuns. So problem solved. It feels good to be healthy.
I asked Mom how she’d like me to honor her when the time came.
She replied, “What makes you think I’m going out first?”
I can’t come into work. I opened a cursed sarcophagus and now I gotta put a pharaoh’s soul to rest. I DUNNO, TAD, I’LL PROBABLY BE IN MONDAY
i dont care if people dislike me, but if a pet ignores me, i will hit them up nonstop & keep changing my look drastically until they love me