Noah’s wife: the ark is falling apart
Noah: glue might work, I have an idea
Horse: it’s weird he brought 3 of us
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I don’t like using the locker room at the gym cuz the guys always stare when they notice my gym bag is filled with lasagna
Kind of jealous of how my alarm can go back to sleep after I tap snooze.
Twitter is fun because you can post a pic of pizza and people will get mad at you.
If you really want to impress me with the year a bottle of wine was made, bring me one from 2024….
To gangs that carve their names into public toilet seats:
A) Why?
B) Haha, you touched a public toilet seat.
Her: “Is that you in your avi?”
Me: “No, it’s a picture of me.”
Words can not even begin to describe your beauty and how much I need to borrow your car.
Me: How dare you accuse me of being drunk last night !?
Wife: You were laughing all night at the TV – that wasn’t even turned on!
*installs google translate*
*looks at Arabic tweets for jokes to steal*
*finds half my tweets doing better than mine*
If you don’t answer your kid’s tenth “MOM!”, I will…and what I say will keep them awake for 3 days. Better ask “what?”
Liquidity is the only difference between soup, stew and a casserole. There, I said it.
Yes aunty, I do like jello. And, of course, I adore feta . Why did you have to combine them
[My first day as a garbageman]
Text from wife: You forgot to take out the trash.
Me: Goddammit
911: What is your emergency.
M: I need to report a home invasion. This woman looks like my mother in law but she’s smiling. Please hurry.
I am responsibility with layered up reliability and a slap trustworthiness and dash of loyalty. I’m like a dependable sandwich with a glass of commitment on the side.
so no one told you life was gonna be this way
[pours a bag of sugar over a tire fire]
hmmm
[tastes remnants]
i think i’ll call it… Twizzlers
her: wanna come back to my place and watch a movie
me: sure
[at her place]
her: *waiting for me to make a move*
me: *pointing* that rat is actually really good at cooking
_ _ _ _ _
The category is “Down on the Farm.”
Contestant 1: Pat, I’d like a an “T.”
Pat Sajak: Sorry, No T’s. Actually, no consonants.
Old McDonald: I’d like to solve the puzzle
Plot twist a clown family hired a normal guy for their kids birthday party
ME: Hi I’d like to apply for a job as a contortionist
“When can you come in for an interview?”
ME: I’m flexible
“To prove how much I love you I’m going to eat this entire pizza.”
That’s not what I –
“Please stop. Let me do this.”
Her: I <3 you.
Me: I… I sideways balls you too.
Allow me to demonstrate my special technique of hearing what isn’t being said.
Parents, talk to your kids about drugs. Teach them organic chemistry. Obtain a research grant. Put big pharma out of business together
The amount of cream cheese I smear on a bagel when I’m dining out is VERY different than when I’m at home. Alone. With my tub of cream cheese.
any time someone sends me an email with “best regards” i reply with “bester regards” so they know i take my job seriously
CHIEF: say hi to ur new partner
ME: new partner? If it’s another duck–
*goose with a badge waddles in*
ME: okay but i’m driving this time
Overall, the kids and parents took Wonka’s maniacal screaming, small orange mutated workers, and horrific accidental deaths in stride, maintaining remarkable composure. This tells us they were no strangers to candy factory tours.
The wife and I decided we’re gonna try and have another baby so now she’s distracting the hospital security guy while I sneak in