Psychic: *rubbing temples* You want to know if your wife’s trying to murder you
Me: How’d you know?
P: *sees knife in my back* I’m good
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I’m not saying that my husband is trying to kill me….
… I’m just saying that if I die from walking into an open kitchen cabinet that he’s the dumbass who left it open.
FRIEND: it’s a strange time to be alive
ME: *looks at watch*
ah yes, 6:30
The number of kids you have determines how much time you need to get everyone ready to leave the house. One kid, 30 mins, 2 kids, about an hour. 3 kids, the Tuesday before
I missed two of my mom’s calls, so I assume the helicopter that just flew over my house is part of the search crew she called.
5 Stages of Pregnancy:
1: Crying
2: Peeing
3: Crying because you peed
4: Peeing because you’re crying
5: The toilet is your home now
Girls greet each other normally the way I’d act if I saw a friend who I thought was dead.
Imagining the meeting I call to apologize to my co-workers for posting a video in which I publicly accused them of plotting my murder.
[2054: We develop cheap cloning technology]
[2055: Restaurant opens where you can have clones of yourself serve cooked clones of yourself]
Nice job Instagramming your plane ticket with enough personal information to take out a mortgage in your name.
[job interview for garbageman]
interviewer: I like your enthusiasm, you’re hired
Three raccoons in trench coat: [ecstatic chittering]
Make your first kiss more memorable by letting them know about your sci-fi themed weapon collection moments before your lips touch.
I like to split up my kid’s orange so he can refuse to eat half at lunch and refuse to eat the other half at snack
No one
Drivers in NC: The light’s only just turned red; I should definitely run it.
told my dad about a rough patch i went through mentally and he asked in a concerned voice whether i’d still managed to take my car in for routine maintenance
“How was your first day of school sweetie?”
*in tears* JEFF HAD THE SAME SHIRT
“Oh…I’m sorry”
*rips Batman shirt* I’M NEVER TEACHING AGAIN!!
[David Attenborough narrating my life]
Once again the young offspring attempts to leave the nest. Once again he has flown into a wall
If I’m ever captured as a spy, all they’d have to do to get me to talk is put my house slipper on the wrong foot.
Jealousy is a horrible green monster.
Well, a horrible monster in a tight green dress. With big boobs. And an ass to die for.
🙁
How awkward would it have been for coach if he put in Air Bud and they lost.
You can tell you’re getting old when the barber spends less time on the top of your head and more time on your ears.
Due to inflation, alien abduction no longer comes with free probes. Humans are required to bring their own probes, or may purchase a probe on board the spacecraft for a moderate fee.
The current world population is 7.67 billion people. In 1971, when “Imagine” was written, it was 3.78 billion.
So if you’re listening today you should really only be expected to imagine 49.28% of the people.
can someone please show me the sexy way to get in and out of a booth at a restaurant
It’s a good thing this pandemic is almost over and we’ll be returning to the office soon because I’m almost out of Post-it Notes at home.
Of course I can cook, what kind of cereal would you like
When I ask a tall person to reach something in a public place, what I really wish they’d do is pick me up so I can reach it myself.
i hope the maker of this enjoys jail because i’m calling the police
I’ve quit my new job as a postman…..
…..they handed me my first letter to deliver, I looked at it and thought:
“This isn’t for me.”
I dream of living in a world where men are judged not by the color of their skin, but by the contents of their iPod.