10 years ago parents were like “be careful what you put on the web” and we were all “lol. old people.” now none of us can ever be President.
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I love how you changed “Conclusions” to “Learnings” in my PowerPoint. Any other made-up words I should add?
If mental stability was measured by the type of tweets we laughed at, straight jackets would be the new black.
Don’t forget to get your Valentine’s Day shopping done before Pete Davidson buys everything up.
GIRLFRIEND: I think maybe you’re reading into this.
ME: *Stops packing my suitcase and holds up the one curly fry in with my regular fries* Why would this happen unless I’d been chosen for something?
Providing directions like “when the wind blows northeasterly, you’ll come to a rickety old white mansion with an old crone in a rocking chair on the porch—turn to the exact angle her nose points, then continue until a frog hits you in the face. I’ll be the one throwing the frog.”
Google “cat”. Tap paw.
– just do it!!
On Monday I have appointments at the psychologist and the gynecologist and if it was the 1800s that would be the same thing
{at sports arena}
*kiss cam pans to me just as I take a huge bite of a hotdog
Me: *panics and seductively licks mustard off my lips.
Nobody is looking…here’s my chance…😂😏🐶
If you tell Dad jokes and you’re not actually a Dad, you are a faux pa.
My neighbor and I stepped out at the same time, both of us dressed up for meetings. I nodded at him approvingly. He looked me up and down and grinned. I STILL GOT IT, I thought. Gave my presentation to 50 people. Get home only to realize my pants are inside out.
Me: I miss traffic and people
Mother Earth: IDK this is the best I’ve felt in YEARS
whoever said misery loves company spelled calories wrong
You don’t need a therapist.
A five year old will tell you everything that’s wrong with you for free.
All bottle caps are twist-offs if you have a prosthetic robot hand
The world needs to chill out. There’s no way history teachers can cram all this bs into a semester
We’re having lobsters for dinner .
Update – we have pet lobsters now
There’s nothing quite like a pissed off toddler trying to make her point by angrily storming away on a ride on ladybug
ravioli cooking instructions are always like “bring 7 gallons of water to a boil. cook one ravioli at a time. use new water between raviolis. they don’t like thrifted baths.”
A baby’s smile can light up a room. Unless it’s pitch black. Then the baby is totally useless.
“You made your bed now lay in it” doesn’t really sound like a punishment to me. I love laying in a freshly made bed.
And other 5am thoughts
(pouring whiskey)
Wife: What are you doing? Didn’t they give you instructions after they vaccinated you?
Me: Yes they said to be sure to drink a lot.
Wife:
Me:…or stay hydrated…or something like that.
Nothing prepared me for the part of adulthood where you look like a baby deer learning to walk every time you get out of bed in the morning.
Our family summer boat trips haven’t been the same since grandad died & demanded we bury him at sea. In the boat.
[4 strangers are smearing their bodily fluids on each other]
[one turns to camera] “There has to be a better way.”
VOICEOVER: “Hot tubs.”
A job site for heavily tattooed professionals called Inkedin
*Neil Armstrong sets foot on moon:
“NO… BIG… QUOTE… PLANNED… AND… NOTHING… SPRINGS… TO… MIND”Houston: Did you say “That’s one small step for man, one giant leap for mankind”?
…
…
Neil Armstrong: uuuh, yes, yes I did
even if i become ranked as a grand master in chess im still going to call it a horsey
“No, the bubble isn’t a circle it’s a sphere.” – Keeping this uppity four year old in check.
Why do Tomb, Comb, and Bomb all have different pronunciations ????