we thought buying an abandoned silo and turning it into a Gamer Silo would be easy, but after most of our computers, consoles, LED lights, streaming equipment, and three guys sank into the grain we realised that this was going to be a real challenge.
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Therapist: and how are you now?
Morgan Freeman: I am fine
Morgan Freeman: but Morgan Freeman was not fine
Therapist: I’m sorry what?
I’ve had a few people on this site respond to something they disagree with with “I expected better from you”, and I’m like “why?”
Jehovah’s witnesses don’t celebrate Halloween, I’m guessing it’s because they don’t appreciate random people coming up to their doors.
Parenting is a minefield. Just because they loved Hotel Transylvania doesn’t mean they’ll love The Shining. Lesson learned.
Being unable to recreate this high is why we all have depression.
Just won a sausage biscuit at this basketball game. Never give up on your dreams.
Ways to make your woman happy.
1. Cook for her.
2. Surprise her with hugs & kisses.
3. Hide a lion in her apartment then rescue her.
Friend : Going to therapy saved my marriage.
Me: I’m so sorry.
‘I just need like two minutes!’
~me, lying
Cop: Admit it! You killed that family
Murderer: You can’t prove anything…
Cop: You know, you’re actually called “Murderer” in this thing
(People Touring My House 50 Years After I Die)
TOUR GUIDE: And over here we found a second secret room ALSO full of bacon.
7:43 pm: I am in an argument with my girlfriend and my anger is justified
7:51 pm: I have just apologized for the Salem Witch Trials
just went to my first ever LA kids birthday party and two of them were named Monserrat and Wolf
A Hallmark movie where the heroine is such a Karen that she ruins Christmas, the adorable son of the widower tells her to go back to her law firm in the city, and ends with the whole town chasing her with pitchforks.
I love halloween time 🎃👻🐱:
– candy 🍬🍭🍫
– parties🍕🎉🍻
– costumes👯👺👽
– sacrifices to the dark lord 👉🐓👹
– scary movies🎬📽️💀😲
(Seductively stripping out of clothes)
Gynecologist: Please stop that.
Things changed for the better for Harry and Ginny’s marriage once they mastered the difficult “Turgidic Maximus” charm
the boy who cried wolf would be a way cooler story if actual wolves came out of his eyes
Fake rifles that just have a ‘bang’ flag come out are called JK-47s
And I will strike down upon thee with great vengeance…
Barista: Sir your Caffè Mocha is ready.
Me: Oh ok nevermind.
I’m a strong, independent woman who needs you to come kill this moth in the basement.
If you die during a game of Duck Duck Goose, you become a victim of fowl play.
So cute how this taxi driver is taking an unnecessarily long route and driving slowly so he gets to spend more time with me.
FYI: I guess the goal of bobbing for apples is not who can drink all the water.
wife: Why is 9 crying?
me: Because it’s raining and he’s getting wet
wife: But we’re at a water park
me *takes a drink from my flask* Yep
Honey I Shrunk the Kids IV:
They shrink everyone on earth on purpose
The planet will never run out of resources
Everyone is eaten by ants
Somebody out there is thinking of you and the impact you have in their life. It’s not me, I think you’re an idiot.
Me: (after eating 12 fudgesicles)
Ok. Time to get to work.You: You can actually buy popsicle sticks at any craft store.
Me: Don’t question my art.
me: dave and i go way back. we served together for 8 years
her: oh wow. army? navy?
me: olive garden
If HBO released all ten episodes of Game of Thrones at once, maybe I’d be able to remember the characters’ names from episode to episode.