Before letters were invented the alphabet song was an instrumental.
You Might Also Like
“Enjoy this gift of a very normal large wooden horse”
You tell me to get off my high horse? Why dont you tell the damn horse to stop getting high all the time.. His drug problem isn’t my problem
Went on a family scooter ride. 4y/o asked to be carried the entire 3 mile experience.
Return home from the ride. 4 says “It’s so nice out! We should go for a walk!”
Toddlers don’t GAF.
“felt cute might delete later lolz”
The number of STDs I can spell without autocorrect really bothers me.
[trying to avoid awkward silence on first date]
you ever see a horse throw up?
“no”
*smiles and turns phone sideways so video gets bigger*
People may question my parenting methods, but my kids have made it to 20 and 22 without becoming serial killers. Or, if they have, they’re super good at it. Either way.
*me, at the bank, looking around in child-like wonderment*
so, this is where my 12 dollars lives
“Careful, there’s poop on the dance floor.” – how ballet was invented.
Went to a public park and my 4yo was like, “Is this Disney World?!”
The answer is yes and I’ll cut anyone who tells her differently.
I’m wildly unpopular in dessert circles for my hot hollandaise ice cream sundaes.
I want to be more optimistic about aging but my 5 year old just found out I am 30 today and now she’s claiming the jewelry she wants to have when I’m dead.
It costs nothing to be kind. But then again, it costs nothing to be a sociopath. So you see my dilemma.
Queen: I have just born two twin boys. Which one will end up taking the throne?
Advisor: let me take their temperature
Queen: ?
Advisor: ah, this one is running a fever. He shall be king
Queen: how do you know?
Advisor: everyone knows warm heir rises
In retrospect Rose only knew Jack for like 2 days
My german shepard doesn’t like dog food, so we have that in common.
robber: empty the register now
me: sir this is a motel
robber: hurry up
me: ok *opens binder, starts erasing names*
i’m in a comfy dress today, but i look like a potato in floral. call me nelly flortato.
If I had a dollar for every time my dad questioned my sexuality I could afford a bad ass Harley and probably some super cute riding boots
Whoever coined, “No good deed goes unpunished,” must have fed some seagulls.
Don’t you hate it when you’ve been working out for 2 hours and realize it’s only been 15 minutes?
He’s so proud of his work! 🤣
Monkeypox is sexually transmitted, making me absolutely immune.
Owls can make clicking noises with their tongues, often as part of a threat display.
🔊
My 5yo won a toy from the claw machine, so now I’m going to make him buy me a lottery ticket
I hope my kids are impressed with how resourceful the Easter Bunny is for filling eggs with steeply discounted Valentine’s Day candy.
3-year-old: *sits at the table forever without touching anything*
Me: *eats one cold chicken nugget*
3: THAT WAS MINE!
I’m convinced when squirrels run the road, nearly missing your car, it must be some kind of squirrel gang initiation.
Coworker: Is this anyone’s old food smelling up the fridge?
Me, knowing it’s mine: Ha ha no clue.
* has cake for breakfast
* can’t finish afternoon run/calls an Uber
* blames running shoes