Who let the owls out WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO
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“how would you like your steak prepared?”
i’d like the chefs to work together and try their best and most of all have fun
MISSING: Black and white cat with red collar. Very intelligent.
Mittens, if you’re reading this, please come home.
What doesn’t kill you is coming back later with spiders.
if cupid went bow hunting would the deer population increase or decrease?
One of my biggest fears is the serial killer saying something funny while I play dead.
When a new bird species visits your bird feeder
🎶 I don’t think you’re ready for this jelly
The last time I checked, I was a weirdo.
Let me check again. Yep, still a weirdo.
just saw a guy pull down his sunglasses and look at a firetruck go by like a sexy lady in an 80s movie
*starts my own YouTube channel so my kids will listen to me.
Confession: I’ve said “Can’t wait!” about things I actually could wait for.
I love how this restaurant keeps a fish tank by the front entrance so I can just reach my hand in and eat a fish on the way out for free.
I have started going to a psychiatrist about my belief that I’m an owl and I haven’t looked back since.
[hotel]
ME: No minibar?
BF: No.
ME: Or room service?
BF: You’re being extreme.
ME: *emerges in camouflage* We’re survivalists now, Gary.
I have a recording saved on my phone that it to be sent to my boss the day after I die. All I say is “So, you aren’t going to believe this but I’m going to be late.”
[Wizard of Oz characters Now]
Scarecrow: professor
Tin Man: fell in love
Lion: public speaker
Toto: still blessing the rains down in africa
Global warming is real the number of hot singles in my area has been increasing since 2007 that cannot be a coincidence
half the posts I see are people planning to go completely feral this summer and the other half are folks concerned that they’ll be permanently agoraphobic. I, for one, will be doing both
Does anyone know where I can hire a pirate ship, a sturdy crew and a young boy who can read haunted treasure maps? The reason? It’s… for a podcast I’m doing.
*gets out of the pool*
*gets into another pool but it’s full of rice so i can dry off*
what idiot named them “in-flight movies” instead of “Jetflix”
I’ve decided it’s time to fall in love again.
*orders southern fried chicken sandwich with extra pickles*
Welcome to your 40s. Time moves much faster now. Welcome to your 50s
Are you alone? Afraid? Lonely? Then you’d better turn up the TV because I just heard a noise
Thanksgiving fact: Giblets are just Grandma speak for the gross stuff.
not seeing the problem
[Planning a heist]
ME: Did you scope the place out?
PARTNER: Yes, they have two armed guards
ME: So we’re evenly matched in terms of limbs
I realize I put this off but how much weight can I lose in 2 hours?
AUNT: You look just like your dad.
ME: Thanks. We both use our eyes.
Sorry I hung up on you, I didn’t mean to answer the call.