When I try to follow a YouTube natural makeup tutorial.
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Greese be like we go together like shamalamghwejghsdiuoeqwhgiwjrsdkhjkgwidjskbgfiuegkajsfkj
I really haven’t been feeling well since last night..here’s me and the hubby’s convo..
H- you’d better get to a doctor
Me: It hasn’t even been a full day
H: what? It’s been two days
Me: how do you figure?
H: today and yesterday
Me:
If “she’ll be riding six white horses when she comes”, she’s probably a little more woman than I can handle.
Attack today with a positive attitude. Absolutely destroy it with good vibes. Murder its family with hope.
Him: which of these two fanny packs is better?
Me:
Me:
Him: you can say neither
Me: oh thank goodness!
“What’s funny?”
The microwave beeping as you walked backwards.
“Why’s that funny?”
Because large objects beep going in reverse, Diane.
House Hunters:
“We want a slide, cheeseburgers, a clown.”
Realtor: Are you describing McDonalds?
“haha no”
*3 kids tumble out of trenchcoat*
“You do realize, that’s completely idiotic, and makes no sense at all…Right?”
-People who are told how tennis is scored for the first time
Was invited into a group DM called procrastinators, it’s been two weeks I’m still waiting to be added….
*my kind of people
Imagine if batteries screamed in agony when they started to die
Just read a few inspirational tweets about courage and confidence and GUESS WHO IS GOING TO ROB A BANK TONIGHT?!!
Are you alone? Afraid? Lonely? Then you’d better turn up the TV because I just heard a noise
Tomorrow’s weather forecast:
60% chance of rain, 15% chance of snow, and 0.0017% chance that none of this is real and you’re just a happy little forest gnome who nibbled on the wrong kind of mushroom.
my grandpa: this pizza has no toppings
me: close the box, turn it over, & open it again
my grandpa: well i’ll be damned
[Divorce court]
Her: I found his Twitter account. I want a divorce.
Judge: He was cheating?
Her: No, he was doing inspirational tweets.
Me: Do you have any books on paranoia?
Librarian : They’re right behind you.
-Honey, what made you fall in love with me?
-Your mother.
-But my mother lives 5000 miles away.
-That’s why…
[break-in]
BURGLAR: [cracks safe]
COP: Not so fast, kiddo
BURGLAR: [cracks safe more slowly]
One of the perks of getting older is if you encounter an organ harvester in a dark alley they usually just ignore you.
My good friend has been fired because he slept with one of his patients. After 7 years of medical school, what a waste of time, effort, training & money. This just goes to show one mistake can ruin your life. It’s sad for him.
He is a great guy & was a brilliant veterinarian.
[baby pushes food away as I try feeding it]
Fine. Die.
My children are the reason hurricanes are named after humans.
If a party with all dudes is called a “sausage fest”, I request that we start calling all girl parties “taco time”.
Just learnt how a cat yowls on heat. So glad we as humans don’t do it the same way
this is what happens when everyone feeds the same stray
Do you know what’s cooler than those fake chains around your license plate?
Everything. Every single thing in the world.
Of course my summer body is ready, it’s the same as my winter body but sweatier.
I’ll go first…
Bad Boys. 😏
1st date
She: I enjoy long walks on the beach.
Me: *nod knowingly* Because you want to lose weight.
It’s actually a little-known fact: Jesus drives a Honda Accord.