My husband was telling a long, boring story and my 10 year old interrupted with, “Surprising. But you know what’s not surprising? How much money Matt saved by switching to Geico.”
Anyway, I’m in trouble for laughing too hard.
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In public
4: (loudly) Mummy, I stroked your back hair!
Me: Yes, you stroked THE BACK OF MY HAIR
*keeps opening fridge even though I know there’s nothing good in there*
Me: why do I keep doing this, lol
*opens twitter*
Me: Do you want to hit the steam room after this?
Leonard the shrimp I work out with: *aggressive shrimp noises*
Me: Christ, it’s a joke Leonard. Calm down.
as you get older you make or cancel plans based on the weather. no sorry i can’t go to the store today, it’s too windy.
Teenagers are most fun when they’re asked to clean up the mess they’ve made themselves.
Can’t, waiting for the DIY instructions on how to make ventilators from cauliflower.
That awkward moment when your doctor tells you that you have tennis elbow from repetitive hand motion and you don’t own a tennis racket ….
Is Craigslist still around, or did everyone over there get murdered?
I see dead people.
Well technically they’re stupid people, but give me a few minutes.
[quickly jumps into the back of a cab]
ME: How far will this get me? *i hand the driver 14 peanut m&ms with the chocolate sucked off*
I still lie about my age when asked. But, instead of shaving years off, I now add years on. If you tell someone you’re 66, they generally just nod in reaction. But, if you tell them you’re 73, you stand a very good chance of hearing, ‘Wow! You look great for 73!’
Toddler: I have a cute fat belly, you have a fat belly
Me:
The human personality is made of five key elements
I’ll do anything for you as long as I don’t have to get out of this chair.
I thought I had a Twitter Crush but his wife thought otherwise
Just because you haven’t met the love of your life yet….yeah, no. I have nothing.
*Goes to zoo to see the world’s oldest tortoise.
Guide: He’s over 200 years old. How cool is that?
*Tortoise says something racist.
It’s taking my husband like way longer to leave me for a younger woman than movies and tv led me to believe it would and honestly I’m pretty annoyed
I just want to be wealthy enough to leave notes for the house-sitter like “If the puma seems restless, let him splash in the Jacuzzi a bit.”
When an ex mansplains something to you it’s called “explaining”
“I got you this for Valentine’s Day.”
[she opens the box and reveals several People magazines inside]
“I think we should see other people.”
My stages of drunk:
1) “Everybody, watch this!”
2) Prison
My kid brought home a school fundraiser packet in case anyone wants a $43 roll of wrapping paper or an $80 candle.
You know you have kids when you say “see you soon” on the way out of urgent care
I don’t want to brag but my mom said when I played soccer I was the best at watching the grass grow.
a lot of guys and girls have to leave from office early today because they all have doctor’s appointments, be safe people
Do you think it’s possible to train a hedgehog to walk up an down the table with cubes of cheese on it’s spikes? I’m giving a dinner party.
That fish is too small and that fish is too big but that fish is justtttt right
-Goldilocks on Tinder