Lionel Richie: 馃幎hello is it me you’re looking for?
caller: actually yes I’d like to speak to you about your car’s extended warranty
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HER: *Points to my dish* I’ll have what he’s having
ME:*Blocks plate w/ my arms* This is mine
H: No, I mea-
M:*To waiter* Tell her it’s mine
Frankenstein’s monster is on a date.
Her: “So, are you religious?”
Him: “I’m part Catholic.”
Her: “On your father’s or mother’s side?”
Him: “Neither, it’s my left foot.”
#FrankensteinFriday #RubbishJokes
Shout out to authentic Indian restaurants that encourage eating using only the hands.
They don’t give a fork.
I like to walk up to strangers and ask, “Would you take a photo of me?” If they say yes I hand them a photo of me and walk away.
How to clean a plastic shower curtain liner:
Step 1: Throw it away and buy a new one for $5 at Target.
Stop flattering yourself.
I’m not subtweeting you.
Ok, i am right now, but i wasn’t before.
[calling a plumber to unclog my sink]
mario: yeah.. there鈥檚 a princess stuck in your drain
me: what
mario: *shrinking into a little man* i鈥檓 going in
Just once I鈥檇 like to open a can of biscuits without having to beat it like it stole my last cookie
I would travel a million miles to be with you for 30 minutes.
Unless I had to walk. Then it’s one block max.
My mom told me I couldn鈥檛 swim until 30 minutes after I last ate so that鈥檚 why I haven鈥檛 swam since I was 14 years old.
Inside you are two wolves. Inside each of them? You guessed it: two more wolves. Are there two wolves inside each of those two wolves? You better believe there are. You are a wolf pyramid scheme, my friend.
Parents: Don’t put glass near your eyes.
Inventor of eyeglasses: Okay, I tried it and I’m sorry, but you’re not gonna believe this…
Stop staring at my chest dude,
It’s like you’ve never seen ‘dual pocket snack holders’ before.
Our family summer boat trips haven’t been the same since grandad died & demanded we bury him at sea. In the boat.
God: U have to build an ark to save the animals from a tsunami
Noah: But you’re god, can’t you just stop the tsunami
God: *loves boats* No
Smile they said.
Funny because it’s true. 馃ぃ
[taking my final breaths after a freak accident]
Tell my family I totes love them
*gasping for air*
but like, roll your eyes real hard
Wake me when AI does housework
My signature move is getting drunk before anyone can ask me to be the designated driver.
Sorry I got kicked out of the auditorium for yelling GET A TOMB YOU TWO during your little brother’s 9th grade production of Romeo & Juliet.
Don’t worry, protagonist. I’m sure your ridiculously specific amnesia has nothing to do with the missing member of the royal family who is exactly your age.
*quietly tries to open bag of chips while fianc茅 is reading her wedding vows*
*Leaving my kids and husband at home for the day*
Me: I鈥檒l see you guys later. [waves]
Dirty laundry & dishes: [waves back]
If I drop something in the toilet, it’s gone forever. I am not going in after it. Just ask my daughter. Oh, that’s right, you can’t.
Women think all the scars on my arms makes me look tough. They don’t know the truth that they’re from reaching into vending machines
3-year-old: I need a scarf.
Me: No, you don’t.
3: To tie up bad guys.
She needs a scarf.
My one weakness? Probably my unshakable belief that, despite a total lack of training, I’ll be able to do karate if I’m ever in a fight.