12 Monkeys #DescribeYourSexLifeWithAMovie
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Track coach: run like the wind!
Dude from Oklahoma: *spins*
Science update: dog earwax still tastes bad
Spice things up at church by french kissing your neighbor during the traditional greeting time.
[me as a drug dealer]
Me: wanna buy some acid?
Guys: yeah, whaddya got?
Me: I’ve got fatty, amino, and folic
Guys: (stab me repeatedly)
*lights a joint*
Woah, fire! Ow! My elbow!
I relate more to “Rice, rice, baby” – because Asian
romeo and juliet is what happens when you don’t sync your watches before a mission
If you are between 8 -16 years old and not whiskey, you are annoying.
“People keep accidentally asking me to purchase meat for them”
“By mistake?”
“Not you as well”.
I don’t want to whine about how muggy it is but there’s a smallmouth bass right now hanging behind my right shoulder spell checking my tweet.
He says it’s ok.
I was going to fake my own death but I didn’t want to have to start a new Twitter account from scratch.
I’m more than tenacious.
I’m elevenacious.
I’ll never be arm candy. I’m 50,
best I can be is an arm sandwich
Girls greet each other normally the way I’d act if I saw a friend who I thought was dead.
[arriving in hell]
him: so what did you do?
me: *wearing a v neck t-shirt under a v neck pullover* no idea
ME: how old is your son?
WOMAN WHO STILL CAN’T ACCEPT THAT HER BABY HAS GROWN UP AND MOVED OUT: 288 months
I wish I could fall as gracefully as a winter coat slinking off the back of a chair.
Veteran Parent Tip:
Buying a bullhorn to loudly announce from your car, “Your Uber driver has arrived!” gives you a 73% greater chance of your teens no longer making you wait when picking them up from a friend’s house
Enough with the false promises. If you turn on your left signal, you turn left. I don’t care if it was a mistake. You’re turning left now.
5: Wait, chicken we eat is from DEAD CHICKENS?
Me: Well, yes.
5: So Chicken McNuggets used to be part of REAL CHICKENS?
Me: Well, no.
I need a guy who’s cute charming smells good smells really good like cinnamon and sugar and flaky crust and actually I just need some pie
When in doubt, ignore an unknown number on your mobile, never hit Reply All, and always wear clothes when you step out of your house.
Saying Trump can’t be an antisemite because his daughter converted to Judaism is like saying he can’t be sexist because he married a woman.
For six years I have been occasionally going to a friend’s house to play Scrabble. Each time I’ve taken along an extra “E” tile and added it to his set. He is now playing with nine extra Es. He hasn’t actually noticed but complains about have too many Es every time.
If you scorn a Canadian, they will carefully craft a voodoo doll of your likeness, and then dress it in mixed prints, or give it bangs when it has no business having them.
I’m going to go out on a limb here and fall off obviously.
*first time at a Michelin restaurant*
Me: “One order of tires, please.”
I just learned to use Instagram, so you guys can all rest assured that it is officially no longer cool.
*slowly slides PBJ under seat*
TRUMP: Hillary won’t stand up to America’s enemies. I will.
*Gets into fights with Miss Universe, Gold Star family, and a baby*