Well, my grandmother will be happy to know that Gypsies are not as much of a threat as she anticipated.
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Waiter: Fresh pepper, sir?
Me: Yes, please.
Pepper: Honey, I’m as single as a dollar and I’m not lookin’ for change.
#BREAKING Egypt, Russia sign contract to build Egypt’s first nuclear plant
“I FIXED IT!”
Air Bud trembles in fear after the opposing team drapes a basketball jersey over a vacuum cleaner and puts it on their starting lineup.
Mario Bros. Plumbing ★☆☆☆☆ (69 Reviews)
Hired them to clear my drain, stomped my turtle to death and ran off with my girlfri….
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I now know I drink too much. I walked out on my deck and swear I heard a mosquito yell out to his all his friends that the bar just opened.
Mad that so many renaissance artists were named after ninja turtles
me: you’re killing it
my murderer: that’s so nice of you to say
Everyone talks about having an inner child but I have an inner raccoon who tells me to embrace the dark circles under my eyes, sleep all day and eat delicious trash
My office is across the hall from my bedroom but I won’t let that stop me from blaming this snowstorm for making me late tomorrow
I did errands without my phone and it took 6 days, 17 hours and 59 minutes less time.
I tried sliding across the hood of my Camaro, but my pony tail got caught in the windshield wiper.
Unfortunately for Jane and Skipper, the hypnotist forgot to bring them out of the trance.
Still trying to convince my boss that I’m just using beer-flavoured toothpaste.
If I’m “supposed to” shave my knees then why are they shaped like that ? Exactly
Does beer think about me too?
You haven’t lived until you’ve wrestled an alligator*
*dressed a toddler
i may not be the smartest person in the room. i may not be the most interesting, or the most successful person in the room. but i’m definitely in the room
I talk a lot of shit for someone who has to let out a Karate yell in order to stand up from tying their shoes.
My neighbors have been calling for their cat for 15 minutes. I’ve been meowing out the window for 30.
This video changed my life . I need to know their backstory. I need to know every person in this group.
If I was a criminal my calling card at the scene would be an empty strip of antidepressants and the cops would be like ‘wow she motivated herself long enough to rob this bank, good for her.’
[produce section, grocery store]
Him: *finding the perfect apple* So, is there a Grandpa Smith?
*cats pull on masks* This is the ultimate heist. Let’s get those jewels. *cats immediately set off alarm trying to attack the laser beams*
The police never think its as funny as you do.
My dogs are really bad about breaking into food bags so we moved everything out of reach.
Two days ago I joked to my wife they were going to learn how to open cans.
Yesterday I came home to a half eaten can of SPAM with the top chewed off.
Be careful what you put out there.
“I shot the sheriff but I did not shoot the deputy” is my favorite lyric about murdering law enforcement officials in moderation.
*puts baby powder in a crib*
*adds water*
Why are holiday dinners always so early. “Come over dinner is at 1 o’clock”
Me: this is bullshit. conditioner and shampoo in one? impossible
Walmart employee who I have in a headlock: sir I didn’t make the shampoo