To apply for a job at Hooters do they hand you a bra and say, “Here, just fill this out.” ?
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my mom always told me not to wear long skirts because they make me look short. ok lady, first of all i am genetically yours and homegrown in your womb. i only turned out to be 5’2”. this is not the skirt’s fault
There’s no song for those of us who want to throw our hands up in the air and wave ‘em like we have a great deal of concern.
The Mayor in Jaws was right.
Imagine you traveled to the beach on the 4th of July and they’re like “Sorry ocean’s closed – there was a SHARK out there a few days ago!”
“Who made that decision?”
“Our SHERIFF who is SCARED of WATER!”
My neighbor mentioned that her husband has baby soft feet, and don’t think I’m not going to bring that up every time I see him from now on.
[Jeopardy]
Me: I’ll take common phrases for $200.
Alex Trebek: this comes before the fall.
Me: [buzz] what is summer.
Alex Trebek: sorry, the answer is pride.
Me: no Alex, I’m pretty sure it’s summer.
Caught my girlfriend having sex with an abstract artist. He said “it’s not what it looks like”
FITNESS TIP: Stretching is important. Stretch out flat on your back. Stretch your eyelids over your eyes. Stretch a blanket over your body.
Psychiatrist: “Your check bounced and was returned for insufficient funds.”
Me: “So how does that make you feel?”
Jesus must’ve had a fortune if he paid for all my sins
why just edible underwear? why not an entire edible wardrobe? i wanna eat a parka off my wife before sex
Teenager: *eats three corn dogs and a row of Chips Ahoy* mom what’s for dinner
“Please refrain, Angry God, from using the Newspaper of Doom” the Spider King cries as he orders another sacrifice into your sleeping mouth
Dance like no one’s watching & cook like someone else is cleaning up that shit.
BETRAYAL
5-year-old: Dad, can you make the rain go away?
Me: Someone more powerful than me controls the weather.
5-year-old:
Me:
5-year-old: Mom?
I say: ‘Pls watch that pothole’.
My son hears: ‘Pls drive through that pothole with the force of a thousand jackhammers’.
Why do birds suddenly appear anytime you are near?
Him: *hiding bread crumbs in his pockets*
After hand washing your cat, put up to dry
12: dad my friend wants to know if I can spend the ni-
me: YES what time can I drop you off? Now? Is now good?
Robert is an ass man
Robert goes to the club
Robert sees a curvy girl
Robert comes up behind her
Robert Palmer
[job interview]
Interviewer: “Describe yourself in 2 words.”
Me: “Atinubs. Econsibu.”
Interviewer: “You’re hired. Welcome to CAPTCHA.”
I’m tired of pretending that people know what a first cousin once removed is.
God: You’ll be cursed to travel the desert for 35 years
Moses: *slipping him $20* How about 30
[Later]
Moses: We must wander for 40 years
I hate when I forget to shave then people assume I’m a hippy and start talking about recycling.
Travel tip: If you’re gonna have a double Bloody Mary at the airport, remember to bring $17,000.
Back in my day, it was a game of dodge ball where you found out who didn’t like you.
“Hey, look, is that Dad?”
“Either that or Batman’s really let himself go.”
With grape soda comes grape responsibility.
Recipes call for an item that isn’t used much and the grocery story only has 40 pound bags of it for $7000.