When a hot chick puts a pen in her mouth, all kinds of weird shit goes through my mind. Like:
-How’s her penmanship?
-Can she do my taxes?
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A poster with a mugshot saying “Have you seen this man”
So I rang up and said No.
You have to do your bit for society .
Look, at the beginning of vacation you wear a cute form-fitting dress. The end of the trip you wear a tarp from Home Depot. Please don’t make me explain.
I had a wonderful conversation sitting up front with a taxi driver. A great guy. Even let me try out my poor Mandarin on him. Then he said, “You look great. Really. Wonderful. Are you over 90?”
“I’m 83.”
“Really? You’re only 83?”
“Just drop me here. “
Introducing new iPhone 5 features:
– Patented Ultrablack color technology.
– Siri is less of a cunt.
– Contains 1 mg of Steve Jobs’ ashes.
ASSISTANT: so what dimensions do the doors, hinges, walls, and locks need to be so that it all fits?
GUY WHO INVENTED PUBLIC BATHROOM STALLS: can’t stress how unimportant that part is
Interviewer: What would you like to get out of this job?
Me: As many free office supplies as possible.
waiter: is pepsi ok
pepsi: take a look around you, does any of this seem ok
Only just finding out about a past glitch in Sims 4 where your pet can text you.
A conspiracy board but for when we are trying to figure out what we want for dinner.
It’s amazing how patiently people will wait in line behind you when you’re buying tampons.
*narrows eyes* that sounds like something a crocodile would say
English is crazy we’ve got silent g’s, p’s, h’s, mimes, c’s… where does the madness stop?
Group of 12 year old girls: We’re scared of boys. Me: OMG, me tooooooo!
Cow stumbles into a pot field. The steaks have never been higher.
When I’m baking a chocolate cake, all I want is the recipe, you can skip the history of cacao dating back to the Aztecs
Positive vibes only, she says from the couch where she watches murder documentaries all day
I like to finish my pelvic exam by asking the doctor ‘hey, where’d your watch go?’
If they tweet about you, establish dominance by retweeting them.
Because everyone in Italy is quarantined, the natural wildlife has returned to the water and forests ❤️ We are the virus
My sister is holding her baby in one hand and a cup of Starbucks in the other, I’m going to toss her phone at her to see who gets dropped.
The conditioner I use is made with avocado oil. Not only is my hair soft, manageable, and shiny, but it also reminds me all day long about guacamole.
*deep fries turkey
*deep fries deck
*deep fries backyard
*deep fries house
*deep fries neighborhood
*deep fries los angeles
Me: I want to kiss you everywhere!
Her: You mean New York, Paris & London?
Me: Um, ya that’s what I meant.
There was a sense of accomplishment finishing the daily newspaper. I literally have no idea when I’m supposed to stop reading the internet.
Professor: There’s no such thing as stupid questions
Me: *clears throat
i should be the upstairs neighbor. i should be the one spilling marbles. it should be me up there
*Wakes up in Superman’s body*
Me: Holy crap! I’m finally a hero!
*Uses heat vision to re-heat last night’s pizza & puts on Netflix*
GOD: ask me anything
ME: why aren’t there middlecase letters?
GOD: *reaching for a button labeled “flood the earth again”*
My kid just asked my mom if she’d known anyone from the bible personally so I think it’s safe to say she can kiss that trust fund goodbye