Hormones are cool if you like crying during dog food commercials.
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H: “You’re walking funny”
me: I hurt myself in the hot tub
H: “Did you fall in?”
me: …
me: … sure.
[Batman’s parents return after 40 years]
Surprise!! Wait, wtf are you wearing?
I saw reduced fat wheat thins at the store and I thought, is this hell?
A kickboxing class where you hit the bag with a baseball bat because I may have mild to moderate anger issues.
Important
Me: My eyes are up here
Picasso: I disagree
Captain Crunch is basically an exfoliator for your mouth
Your password must contain a character still living in Game of Thrones
******
Password expired
******
Password expired
******
Password ex…
“I’m Sorry”
And
“My Bad”Mean The Same Thing.
Unless You’re At A Funeral.
*Makes joke on Twitter*
*5 Retweets*
*Makes same joke on Facebook*
*5 comments from aunts saying that the joke was inappropriate*
Me: guess who I bumped into at the store
My wife: [holding my glasses] everyone
whenever i see babies crying in movies, i feel so bad. but then i remember it’s just pretend. they’re acting. they’re professionals. they know what they’re doing
The only vampire who matters to me lives on Sesame Street. The rest don’t count.
My wife suggested taking Ecstasy to help with sex and so far she’s banged three neighbors and the UPS guy
You would be amazed how cheap lawn mowers are at Home Depot when you own a pickup truck and a orange apron.
MURDERER *panicking as he’s stabbing an acupuncturist* you’re just getting stronger
If I vaped, I would 100% become a ninja so I could disappear into a cloud of strawberry watermelon.
As I drove into the cemetery, the GPS announced I had reached my final destination.
glitter can neither be created nor destroyed, only transferred from one location to another
If I say something happened “the other day” that could mean any time after 1994
Life hack: If I ever end my advice with “I promise”, do the opposite. I’m bored and want to see if you’re going to do the stupid shit I suggested.
Driving mom somewhere: 45 min monolog on health troubles of people I never met
Driving dad somewhere: 43 min of silence; 2 min on gas prices
Feeling sorry for cannibals who are social distancing.
No handshakes…
just cold shoulders.
People who don’t follow you but comment on tweets with ridiculously stupid opinions are just hecklers with all the charm of a pedophile.
Only Christopher Walken can get away with saying stuff like you wanted to chance at the dance but you forgot your pants.
Saying veganism is too expensive is kind of dumb because like, rabbits do it and they don’t even have jobs
Its probably time to clean the microwave when you heat coffee and it comes out smelling like a burrito.
I’m constantly amazed at how different my twin daughters are. Lisa is so much more positive & confident than her sister Hog Face.
ME: Boy, the upstairs neighbors are sure noisy tonight.
WIFE: Y— wait. We live on the top floor.
ME: *remembering my promise to the brotherhood of dancing chimney sweeps* Boy, sure is windy, is what I meant to say.
I came, I saw, I got allergies
~ Julius Sneezer