JUDGE: I find you guilty of murder. Sentenced to life.
LAWYER: But it was only 20 minutes of murder.
JUDGE: Oh, then you’re free to go.
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Remember: You can kill someone and wear their skin as a suit, but it’s not identity theft until you use their debit card. Be smart about it.
All my neighbors are meticulously landscaping their yards and I’m over here giving each of my weeds a nickname
me: hi
sloth: HELL!!!!
me: ..umm [walks away]
sloth: ..oh 🙁
Feel. He’s so soft.
Don’t let the correct punctuation fool you; I’m basically a 4 year old with good grammar.
Destroyed my psychologist on Yelp for calling me passive/aggressive.
I am eternally grateful that Twitter doesn’t have an “is online now” indicator
Welcome to our chain hotel, breakfast is served from three in the morning until two minutes after you first start feeling hungry
Me: *stuffing a ham into my pillow*
Wife: what are you doing
Me: it’s in case someone tries to stuff a ham into my pillow, they’ll be like “ah damn”
I went to a seafood disco last week and pulled a mussel.
My girlfriend knows every single important date in our relationship history and I know she hates olives. She loves olives? Something olives.
Sending in my taxes
I, too, am shocked Ted Cruz has had sex. I just assumed his kids were born when he ate after midnight and got wet like in the movie Gremlins
The most difficult part about taking a personality test is deciding which personality should take it.
“Your mother and I are separating but it’s not your fault, we love the three of you very much.”
“There are four of us.”
“You heard me.”
Me: so then you bring in 3 investors and like they bring in 3 investors and it just keeps going and going until we all get rich. You get it?
Pharaoh: i actually love this
Sometimes I overhear a conversation and want to tell one of them to run
My coworkers are trying to talk me into doing a Polar Plunge. If I want to be doused into freezing cold water I’ll just have someone flush while I’m taking a shower.
Anyone can wish upon a star, but it takes guts to wish upon the moon. If you don’t aim that wish perfectly it will ricochet off a crater, which is how we lost the dinosaurs
Do you know what’s cooler than those fake chains around your license plate?
Everything. Every single thing in the world.
once i complete this philosophy degree it’s over for you Nietzsches
TODAY
graphic design students be like i have a alphabet due on friday
Kids these days can’t do shit without #Google. When I was a kid I didn’t have Google. So, I pretty much couldn’t do shit.
My wife is pretty excited about going away this weekend so I’m not sure she knows I’m coming with her.
For all we know, dinosaurs had a strong Australian accent.
If there was any question as to what kind of teenager my 7yo will be, last night she pulled out a toy cellphone and started pretend texting during her own bedtime story
[having house guests]
Me: omg I need to CLEANNN
[30 minutes later]
Me: you know what if they don’t accept my house then they don’t accept ME