Eating vegetables is how to achieve inner peas.
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If you’ve been talking for 5 minutes straight, it might be someone else’s turn
DO YOU WANT ME TO RAP?
I WILL RAP!– how I threaten my kids
Watching this Dahmer show on Netflix this guy doesn’t seem too bad I mean he’s just oh wait yep ok there it is wow my god Jeffrey
I’ll only go to your NYE party if I can bring a -1.
Like, I show up, pick a person, and then they have to go home.
I’ve never done Russian Roulette, but I have been in a public bathroom stall with a child who knows how to open doors.
I can’t take this anymore. I’m breaking into the zoo and throwing myself into the meerkat exhibit
Just spent 45 minutes on the treadmill – tomorrow I think I’ll actually turn it on!
I make up for those people who jog in place at red lights by eating snacks while lying down in bed.
An eye for an eye, a tooth for a tooth. But a tooth is worth half an eye, so an eye for two teeth also works, if you’re out of eyes.
Wife: [reaches for the fries on my plate]
Me: [slides grocery divider between plates]
Wife: you said you didn’t take that from the store.
Me: and you said you didn’t want any fries but here we are.
Me: AI, how many fingers am I holding up?
AI: 17.
Some of us better hope Santa doesn’t check Twitter because if he does all we’re getting for Christmas is therapy.
[narrating a commercial for therapy]
“For a 100 bucks an hour we’ll blame your mother.”
These 3D printers are insane!
“Ow that dog just nipped at me”
PEE ON IT!
“No man NO STOP THAT DOESN’T WORK FOR EVERYTHING”
I’M HERE FOR YA BUDDY!
What Geico said: We just saved you 15% on your car insurance.
What I heard: You should go shopping.
I found toothpaste on my comb, door and pet tortoise and now I’m reconsidering teaching my child about good oral hygiene.
I love when SVU recycles actors years later as if I won’t know this is the same woman who put a child in an igloo cooler and set it sail on the Hudson in 1999
me: [throws jacket over a puddle like a gentleman]
my date: why my jacket
I’m so glad the “you break it, you buy it” policy doesn’t apply to hymens.
until my aim improves I’m just a puncturist
PSA: 60% of deaths happen in hospitals which is why I don’t go there
I cried when my dentist told me I needed two implants and a crown because I can finally realize my dream of being a sexy princess.
Like when you make a mistake on your paper so you use wite-out but then it gets all chunky and busted and worse. That’s concealer in your 40s.
anyone know what happened at the 2nd noel?
What I thought was happening: a coworker handed me my vape bc I left it laying around
What was actually happening: my coworker was showing me her new vape which neither of us knew looked exactly like mine
What I did: said “oh thanks” and put it in my pocket
bert: i want a divorce
wife: are u…
bert: don’t
wife: *holding in laughter* are u sherbert?
Nutritionist: Let’s identify those triggers that stop you from eating well, they could be subtle
M: I guess the main one is being awake
N:..
A Toyota Prius tried to race me at a stop sign. I totally had it for the first 100ft, but I can only walk so fast