Dropping your phone going up the escalator & catching right before it hits, awesome!
The woman in front of you wearing a short dress turning around and thinking you’re trying to take an up shot, not so awesome.
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“Why are you wearing?” – existentialist reporter on the red carpet
VILLAIN: *Stroking cat* I’ve been expec-
BOND: OMG your kitty is so cute! Can I pet him?!
V:*Whining* Tiiim, you said this was intimidating!
Me: I heard Rihanna got food poisoning
Brain: Stop
M: It was
B: No
M: Salmonella ella ella ey ey
B: This is why I can’t do math in your head
broke my arm doing a trust fall during a team building zoom meeting
Macbeth [waggling eybrows]: I know a spot
Lady Macbeth: out
Macbeth: but-
Lady Macbeth: OUT
This guy must really want to impress me with his endurance skills. Because when I asked if he wanted a ride, he said “No thanks I’ll walk”
Why is called “emotional baggage” and not a “griefcase”?
[making pigs in a blanket]
6-year-old: We can’t call them that. We have a pig.
Me: What should we call them?
6: Nobody you know in a blanket.
Some baby on this plane is singing the ABCs all out of order and a guy just shouted “yes girl remix!!”
As your goth husband I will adorn you with cursed artifacts then die mysteriously leaving you to be the most feared widow in the village.
[audition]
Casting Director: can you do accents?
Me: *cries Britishly*
CD: oh very nice, excellent- anything else?
Me: *cries in Japanese*
CD, overcome with emotion: breathtaking… truly
“Regardless of what Newton said, gravity is just a theory that you humans choose to accept as fact. If you simply refuse to take it as a given, then the whole paradigm shifts. Anyway Brenda, when you’ve got a minute, the litter in my box could really use a change.”
If I pay $30 for a haunted house I better die
(uses phone to push more food onto my fork)
It was a classic Cinderella story: I walked into strangers’ houses and made women try on a shoe I found
#WarAgainstPorn because they’re having sex and we’re not. No porn for anyone until everyone’s having sex, ok?
I don’t ask for much but can someone please take away the share function on Wordle?
You can have a terrier or you can have a Roomba, but you cannot have both.
You’ve been promoted to customer
#FireSomeonePolitely
The only jealous bone I’ve ever had in my body is yours.
Dogs can’t talk and everyone loves them, coincidence, I think not.
There are no pants in heaven.
My job just drug tested my coworker but they took the hair from her wig 😂
Me sneaking to the kitchen at 2am to get a peanut butter bar
Judge: how do u find the defendant
Me: he’s that dude in the orange jumpsuit your honor
He asked me how I got this scar on my leg and I didn’t want to tell him I stabbed myself so I told him a shark bit me
Damn CVS sales receipts got caught in the wind
All. The. Damn. Time.
Do not squander your short time on earth acquiring worldly possessions. Instead, try to get laid a lot.
“Neighbor”- person next door
“Neigh! Brrrr!!” – cold horse 🙁