A reboot of Dexter, but this time he stalks and kills people who crunch their disposable water bottles as they drink.
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Speak when you are angry and you will make the best speech you will ever regret. – Ambrose Bierce
[on the phone]
wife: My mom tripped over the dog
me: Is she ok?
wife: Yeah
me: Can I talk to her?
wife: Sure *calls for the dog*
Interviewer: What drives you?
Me: The bus mostly
Interviewer: I mean what motivates you to get out of bed in the morning?
M: missing the bus
Some time last year, I accidentally splashed pothole water onto a lady on a rainy day. When I stopped to apologise, the lady immediately ran away! I’m still wondering why
Interviewer: can you explain this gap in your resume
Me: ugh yeah the spacing wouldn’t format properly
Interviewer: OMG I hate that
If you find my upper lip mole sexy, wait till you see the dark spot on my MRI.
“Don’t worry, the spider is smaller than you”
Yeah….so is a grenade
Ran a bath, checked Twitter, flooded Europe.
*Passive-aggressively skips through your selfies and only likes pics of your dog*
Just as a wedding ring tells others you’re married,
the mysterious brown stain on my shirt and rogue booger in my hair says “I’m a mom”.
Me: welcome to my she shed
Gynecologist: please don’t call it that
Texting my boss to let him know how excited I am for work tomorrow
[narrating a commercial for therapy]
“For a 100 bucks an hour we’ll blame your mother.”
Good Will Hunting (2018): Dystopian movie about a near future in which everyone with an ounce of good will is mercilessly hunted and killed.
HER: i’m leaving you
ME: is it because i get angry wrong?
HER: yes
ME: *balling toes* this is delightful
If you hate being single, imagine being with someone who sets 10 alarms to wake up each day and sleeps through every one of them.
you idiots are out here getting your wisdom teeth removed. me? i am having more added. where did you think yours were going? that’s right, my mouth. i have 107 wisdom teeth now. my wisdom has never been higher. i am realizing for the first time that this was not a good idea
(Overheard in Connecticut)
“Why is the flag at the bank flying at half staff?”
“Maybe because the market has been going down?”
{First Date}
Me: I once saved a dog from a fire.
Shania Twain: That don’t impress me much.
Me: Oh well one time I successfully inserted the straw into a Capri Sun without spilling.
Shania Twain: ok that’s actually really good.
you ever think about how “welp” is just the modern English version of “alas”
Me: You’re getting so tall!
Child: I don’t really like that because it means I’m getting older and when you’re older you’re closer to dying.
Me: …Oh.
Child: Sorry, I won’t talk about that. It might scare you.
Me:
Child: Because you’re already so old and close to dying.
A fun thing you can do when making a larger purchase like a TV or refrigerator is to ask if it’s snake proof, and immediately follow it up with “the fact that you’re hesitating is concerning to me”
The first rule of Oedipus Club: mum’s the word.
If aliens ever attack, I hope they do it in rows of 8, going right and left directly above me. I’m very skilled at shooting aliens this way
My wife has the worst taste in men.
Cauliflower is broccoli dressed up as a ghost for Halloween.
What was the first thing you remember seeing on TV that made you cry? (I mean a scripted show, not a news report.)
I’m like a snack in the way that I hide in the pantry a lot
School taught me fractions like if you’re on your third fifth of whiskey you haven’t even had a full whiskey yet
GF: What’s my biggest flaw?
ME: You haven’t got any, you’re perfect, I love you
GF: No come on, I mean pacifically
ME: We should split up