lol – getting pizza slice and the guy in front of me (trying to banter with the cashier) is like “you made mine with extra love right” and the cashier very solemnly and Eastern European accentedly said “it’s made with normal amount pepperoni”
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I don’t even want to eat butter chicken without having some warm leavened flatbread first. That’s a Naan starter for me
If you get nervous when the IT support desk takes control of your computer remember they’re whispering “no weirdos please” to themselves.
If I wash a load of dishes everyday all of my dishes stay clean
If I skip one day I have 7000000000 loads of dishes the next day.
How?
Get your kids Christmas pajamas so they’ll have something comfortable to fight in.
clark kent’s honeymoon starts on a down note
Passwords are by far the best way to keep me from accessing any of my stuff
Me: If you wear a bikini to the zoo is it a zucchini
LeBron: I…is this the right room? The nurse said you were dying
Me: Dying to meet you
[on the phone]
wife: My mom tripped over the dog
me: Is she ok?
wife: Yeah
me: Can I talk to her?
wife: Sure *calls for the dog*
Mission President: Why hasn’t this Brother been baptized yet?
Me: Well, we have a problem.
Mission President: There are no problems Elder, only opportunities.
Me: OK, well he has a huge drug opportunity.
Pancakes are just crepes who let themselves go after college.
*takes your order*
*goes to kitchen*
*comes back*
“did you say grilled cheese or gorilla cheese?”
grilled
*sighs*
*goes to kitchen*
Someone with OCD visited my TL whilst I was napping and now all my tweets
seem to be facing the same way.
You can’t make me breathe heavy.
You aren’t a flight of stairs.
The Breakfast Club: (1985) (1hr 37 mins) Not a single breakfast is had. Barely a club. Misleading. 1/10
My surgeon said NO drinking for 24 hours, then we both laughed.
Note to Self: In future interviews, don’t say “Safe in your strong arms” when the employer asks where I see myself in 5 years.
i couldn’t remember the word “counting” so i told my friend to “do the number alphabet.”
Wife: Where are you going?
Me: Out. I can’t stand being hemmed in by four walls.
Wife: How many walls has the pub got? Five?
Running shoes? No, I don’t run. These are my cake gettin’ shoes.
Your third emoji is.. Just kidding. I’m an adult.
Went jogging and on the way back had to call an Uber. Faked an ankle injury and prayed it wasn’t the same driver as the last time.
the concept of santa actually pisses me off a lot. i work hard all year to buy my kids presents, but all the credit goes to some fat old guy who squeezes down my chimney, eats my food, makes out with my wife, and disappears. this is bullshit
how does everyone know when fruits are in season.. when did u learn that. did i miss fruit season day in algebra. did u swallow a farmers almanac. why are peaches only in season for 8 hours a year
[calling in sick]
me: the doctor told me to stay in bed
boss: how long?
me: just a normal size one
FYI to my fellow attorneys: If you ask someone if they can pass a drug test, and the person replies, “What KIND of drug test?”…the answer is NO, THAT PERSON CAN’T PASS A DRUG TEST.
I never realized just how much of parenting is surreptitiously throwing away artwork.
No good deed goes unposted on social media.
Executioner: Before we do this, what would you like for your last meal?
“I’ll have a panda please”
[judge, under his breath] Can he do that?
Why did David Hasselhoff change his name to The Hoff?
It was less hassle.
Thousands of Amazon customers take the time each year to post “haven’t tried it yet” as a review — so no, I don’t overly concern myself with the opinions of internet strangers.