“An eye for an eye?”
– a cannibal at a swap meet
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The 9 circles of hell:
9) limbo
8) lust
7) gluttony
6) greed
5) anger
4) heresy
3) violence
2) fraud
1) shopping on Black Friday
when my parents were divorced they had a ski race to see who kept custody of us. things worked different in the 80s
*holds flashlight up to face*
When I was a kid, most pop tarts came unfrosted.
*3 millennials faint, 2 vomit*
Genie: *transforms me into a turtle* oh wait, did you say eternal life?
Me: *from inside shell* yeah no this is better
5 year old on the life cycle of humans:
“First you are a baby, then young, then a teenager, then an adult, then old…”Me: Sounds like you have a handle on it
5 yo: “…then caveman, and then rip.”
My boss asked me why I only get sick on work days.
I said it must be my weekend immune system.
“Stomach…Lungs…Kidneys….Heart.” –
Me, at my organ recital.(Not even slightly sorry)
“Nothing is certain, except death and taxis.”
Don’t you mean “ta– *gets run over by a cab*
My dream catcher has asked for hazard pay.
Maybe leave yourself in a hot car with a window open one inch for 15 minutes while your dog runs into the store
Commander: ARCHERS READY
Archer: (to guy next to him) dude tbh I was zoned out wtf we supposed to be shooting at
I got my followers the old fashioned way – with tranquilizer darts.
Her: *hands me her baby*
Me: *drops it*
Her:
Me: So, is there like a five second rule or…?
If Natalie Portman dated Jacques Cousteau they would win celebrity couple nicknaming forever with “Portmanteau.”
interviewer: what do you mean you don’t have any
me [excitedly]: ask about weaknesses
Tonight I have taught my 2yr old a very valuable lesson.
He now knows that chips can be used to eat guacamole.
*breathing becomes rapid and pulse starts racing*
I…I’ve never felt…SO ALIVE!
*holds up 11th nugget from 10 piece box, for all to see*
Buying my parents’ house.
Soon, like so many of the ‘ladies’ here…
I too will be a middle aged man tweeting from his mom’s basement.
Both of my boys are away at college, leaving me alone to defend the thermostat against my wife and daughters.
Me: Did u get a haircut
Dad’s brain:
don’t say it
don’t say it
don’t say it
don’t say it
don’t say it
don’t say it
don’t say it
don’t say it
don’t say it
don’t say itDad: No I got ’em all cut
It is the year 2047. After making a movie based on every single one of its theme park rides, Disney is forced to make a movie about the line for the Disney World bathroom.
I went on a date with a young woman who didn’t wanna sneak snacks into the movies. Not sure which direction life has taken her but I hope she’s well because I wasn’t sticking around for that.
I am crying
My dogs are so stupid. They keep wanting outside even though they know it’s freezing out and they want right back in in 5 minutes.
*gives them a cookie when they come in*
My dogs are so stupid.
Sorry, ma’am. I’m a solid 4 1/2. You’re an 8. You’re out of my league.
My heart says curly fries but my BMI is suggesting salad.
Well, well, well. Guess who the grocery store asked to come back soon
Dad: What is taking him so long to get me that crow bar?
Me: *Applying for a liquor license* Yes I’m serious, it’s just for crows.