[inventor of green tea] what if tea didn’t make you feel awake but also tasted bad
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There’s a cat curled up on my pillow, and I’d probably be a lot more cool with that if I actually owned a cat.
If you’re planning a family vacation to a destination that has beautiful ocean views and is kid friendly, make sure you don’t.
[getting arrested after heist]
Boss: What happened? You were supposed to be on lookout
Me: *flashback to me sending invites on outlook* you’re not gonna believe this
All of my best fantasies include a French maid. She cleans the house while I nap.
roman: how will we know which one is jesus
judas: imma kiss him
roman: why
judas: *applying lip gloss* lol i know right
HOW TO JOG:
1. Put on jogging outfit.
2. Go outside.
3. Imagine a cow galloping down the street.
4. Try to milk that cow.
why pay a therapist to pinpoint your flaws when people on Twitter will tell you for free
[doctor’s office]
DOCTOR: I have good news and bad news
ME: what’s the good news
D: that’s for someone else; sorry, doctor-patient confidentiality
Three words no parent ever wants to hear when dropping their kid at a play date: “Come on in.”
Shout out to whichever childless person invented toys that erupt in an epic sound and light show when you toss em in the toy box at night.
My Alexa overheard my Roombas talking and, long story short, I now have 114 Roombas in my living room circling their god, Alexa.
Spent a summer in Rome, so I’m fluent in dropping that into conversation
[at restaurant]
Me: What’s under all that garnish?
Her: Nothing, it’s a salad.
I don’t wear a watch because my inner 3yo thinks nothing exists until I get there.
Little known fact: the eye is actually the least dangerous part of the entire tiger
i wish more people knew the word for woman in scottish, alas.
Having survived numerous mysterious strangers attempting to kill him as a child, Hitler swore revenge on a cruel world.
1. Rage against the machine.
2. Check to make sure machine is plugged in.
3. Apologize to the toaster for the misunderstanding.
If I were a professional soccer player, I would simply pick up the ball. My opponents’ kicks would be useless as I held the ball high above my head. They would beg me to release it but I would not relent. Then, just as time expires, I would throw it into the net, sealing victory.
OK, guy with the two kayaks and two bikes strapped to his Subaru Outback: settle down. Save some outdoors for the rest of us.
“Oh boy, what a day of having sex with real women,” I yell too loud while passing my microwave.
Rejected titles for “The Queen’s Gambit” (2020):
– Knights, Knights Baby
– Pawn Hub
– Mate Expectations
– Checks Mix
– Stop Staring at My Chess!
You’re not a real family unless you all have different names for the same dog.
The main problem with having a tattoo is that whenever you go to a small town there’s always a slight chance that the locals will have a prophecy about an outsider bearing that exact mark.
Google search history:
•Gloves keep growing on tree?
•How do I get hand in tight gloves?
•Can gloves piss/bite?
•What is a squirrel?
A spinal surgery practice called Build Back Better.
DEMON: How much longer are we going to let him do that?
SATAN: [rubbing the bridge of his nose] Just … just give him a minute
ME: [still pushing on the gates to Hell that are clearly labeled Pull]
CONGRATULATIONS
It has been
2̶4̶ 0 days
since you last stepped in cat puke.
If we are eating peas and one falls in the floor my husband can’t wait to say someone “pead on the floor”