Me: [talking out loud while I write in my diary] today was ok, I just wish I could have eaten more breadsticks
Waiter: *sighs* sir would you like more breadsticks
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I’m sorry I seasoned you while you were taking a nap.
can’t a grown man in a phantom of the opera face mask just go grocery shopping like everybody else!? geeze.
trainer: what’s your fitness goals?
me: to be able to run to the door for my pizza delivery without feeling like I’m dying.
Me: You were supposed to be cleaning up your room before bed.
9: I want a hug
Me: I’ll never say no to hugs, but your timing is very suspicious.
[In a warehouse]
Murderer: I’m gonna get you!Me: *echoing from hidden location* Hi, “gonna get you”, I’m Dad!
Murderer: What the… where are you?
Me: Did you look under there?
Murderer: Under whe-Hey!
Me: *whispering* Super lame murderer says What.
Murder: What- Damn it!
if you think electrolytes are good you should try the electroheavies
Interviewer: Any special skills?
Me: Eclairvoyance.
Him: I don’t understand.
Me: There’s a box of donuts in your desk
Him: YOU KNOW TOO MUCH
doctor looking at his iPad: oh no, this isn’t good …
Me: give it to me straight doc what is it
doctor: well, I forgot my wifi password
Maybe print wouldn’t be dying if they still employed tough dirty children to yell at me to read all about it
Saw a billboard that said “if you can plan a wedding, you can plan for a natural disaster” and like, aren’t those the same thing?
Every fancy restaurant now is just named after two ingredients you’d never eat together. It’s always like “Basil and Butterscotch” or “Honey and Clam.”
*falls on hard times*
Hard times: Get off me.
Just pulled over for gas despite having 3/4 of a tank so I could gracefully get out of this Pokémon conversation.
If your name is Candy you shouldn’t be allowed to work at a weight loss clinic. It just seems cruel.
Do what I say and everyone gets hurt.
there was actually a 13th apostle, but not a lot of people know about him, because he was looking for a fork he’d dropped under the table right as leonardo painted that picture
A letter home from Burning Man:
“My Dearest Martha:
I fear my vibe may die in this thing they call ‘mud.’ We’ve rationed the last of the freeze-dried mung beans, Pip left our soy-tuna packets in the EV and I nearly consumed a gluten. Pray for me, darling. Pray I return.”
“And then we’ll have the throat hole open up and a rectangle candy will drop from it. Kids will love it.” ~ Inventors of Pez dispensers.
Don’t have a house cat drive you to the post office. I know that now.
I appreciate and am so thankful for all law enforcement officers
…until I’m driving.
If this virus gets any more toxic I’ll probably end up dating it.
no, autocorrect, i am not searching for self adhesive bondages
TWO hops this time?
In this economy?
AMULET: Touch me, and be cursed for eternity!!
ME: [picks it up] I feel fine.
AMULET: uh, I’m trying but- I can’t make ur life any worse.
[at the shooting range]
Recruit: Sir, I missed every target.
Officer: Perfect.
*makes him a stormtrooper*
John Lennon: Help! I need somebody!
Anybody: I’d be happy to—
John Lennon: Not just anybody!
Anybody: Okay then.
There are some people who when they hit rock bottom, they refuse to just lie there…
They just pick up a shovel and started digging.
*At restaurant trying to impress date*
Me: How are these prepared?
Waiter: The dinosaur chicken nuggets? In a microwave.
Me: Excellent.
“I might pop down later” – Translation: You’ve more chance of seeing a dancing hippo than you have of seeing me later
If you need a laugh.. 😅