It took a full year of homeschooling but I managed to teach my children how little I know.
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I was voted, “most likely to interfere with a corpse,” in high school.
We should be able take jets and tanks and stuff whenever we want, we paid for them
[supermarket]
Woman, to hubs: There’s no such thing as too much cheese!
Me: *peels a cheddar slice from my emergency roll*
M: *writes my cell number on it* I like your style babe, call me
M: *eats the cheese* DAGNABBIT!
M: *peels a cheddar slice from…
Marital Status: My husband is mad at me because I cheered for the wrong college football team.
There was a time I thought Radiohead was saying “I’m a creep, I’m a widow” and one day I heard someone sing the right word and well, only a freakin’ weirdo would think widow makes sense there, right.
Boeing’s commercial spacecraft will be undergoing its final test flight tonight. Knock on wood, guys! But not too hard, it’s a Boeing
God: you’re a penguin.
Penguin: actually I’m a spy.
God: uh no you aren’t.
Penguin: then why am I wearing this tux?
God: that’s just what you look like.
Penguin: that’s exactly what a spy would say.
God:
Penguin: isn’t that right…00Heaven.
*Dresses up as a large butter knife
Im a super spreader
Giving someone the finger while driving used to mean a lot more when you had to manually roll your window down to do it
Talk to me when you have a shirt & tie that didn’t come in the same box.*
*Grave robbers exempt.
*caterpillar looks up at sky*
“My dream is to fly a plane one day.”
Other Caterpillar: You don’t pay any attention in science class, do you?
Oh boy, $150,000!
Interviewed a Canadian.
She has a Canadian accent & boobs.
She’s HIGHLY unqualified for the job.
She’s CANADIAN…& BOOBS. I hired her.
Man: I’d like an order of buffalo wings
Bartender: sorry, we don’t serve food here
*a sandwich that just walked in flips a table and leaves*
Superheroes come from broken homes & inattentive parents.
Parents, stop hugging your kids. We need a Batman.
The person who stole my identity sent me a sympathy card
YOU CAN’T KICK ME OUT OF THE INTERNATIONAL HOUSE OF PANCAKES LINDA I HAVE DIPLOMATIC IMMUNITY
Getting my second jab today. They’re making me sign a form confirming I’ve been repeatedly told the vaccine won’t allow me to survive being fired from a trebuchet into the tree where the squirrels took my mars bar.
Under a bridge, harassing goats. That’s how I troll.
Amazon talking about show them proof I didn’t get the package 😒
ME: I‘ve been feeling a little horse
JOCKEY: you’re disgusti–
ME: I mean my throat hurts
JOCKEY: oh right ok
ME: [under breath] from kissing so many goddamn sexy horses
Warning: Too much sex leads to a house full of people who don’t like you.
Me: And when there was only one set of-
Jesus: Dude, just tell the cops there were TWO sets of footprints in the sand!
oh good, now I can stop drinking
they say penguins mate for life, but that’s bullshit cause my penguin left me first chance she had
You know, one day auto correct will completely collapse, and that day will be gloria’s!!
No coroner will need to do an autopsy to see what I ate, they’ll just need to shake out my bra.
[Calling the police]
“Help! Someone with a slice of beef strapped to his elbow is chasing me!”
“Stay calm.”
“Yes, that’s him!”
You say jump I say how high. You say run I say how fast. You say lets hang out I say no.