Birds that land and then WALK across the street… what the hell is wrong with you?
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Me: I let my guard down.
Prison guard: I’m not angry, just disappointed.
Me: How could you do this?
Her: I just felt like you needed to know
Me: I’ve completely lost trust
Her: I know this is hard
Me: But wrestling? Fake? I’m devastated.
“Wearing horizontal stripes will make you look bigger and really stand out.”
Young Waldo: (whispering) Some day I’ll prove you wrong.
I realized I was maybe not the best listener when a friend had to come out to me twice.
It’s easy to watch movies on this plane! Just download our app, set your phone to airplane mode, turn on your wifi, select our wifi, go to our website, enter in the special key, add a photo of your driver’s license, enter your social security number twice, give us your first born.
Cop: Can you describe the man who stabbed you?
Me: He kept going like this [stabbing motion]
Just unlocked a memory of when I was in college and I was in Cabo with a guy I was seeing & he made me FaceTime my surgeon brother about the fact that his feet were swollen & my brother talked him through it then texted me after “do NOT give me a useless brother in law”
REASONS TO KEEP A WRITER IN YOUR HOME
• they know weird facts
• they’re low maintenance because all they do is eat and write
• great for midnight chats because they don’t sleep
• if they have to edit they’ll procrastinate by cleaning your whole house
“Stressed” backwards is “desserts” so chill and have that cupcake.
Priest: tell me your confessions
Me: I said the f word twice this week
Priest: [70% sure I stole his meatball sub from the church fridge] anything else
Hi, childless people. I just meticulously peeled the skin off a pickle. Cuz the pickle was “bumpy.”
Enjoy your day. Not de-bumping pickles.
I tell my toddler to “ask nicely” and instead of saying please he whispers his demands and I’m not even sure that he’s wrong
I’ve deleted enough tweets to know that I should never get a tattoo.
When I go grocery shopping I start with the heavy stuff: bags of dog food, gallons of water. This increases your cart’s ramming power if things start to get ugly in the soup aisle.
Just once I’d like to see 25 tiny cars come out of a clown.
I bet the first person to keep track of his age was a gigantic tool
“This is my 24th winter”
Shut up and help us kill this boar, Stuart
Many racist Trump supporters were stung by Clinton’s speech calling them a “basket of deplorables.” The rest had to go look up “deplorable.”
My boyfriend calls me “babe” because “pig in the city” is such a mouthful to say.
Lay with me until everything crumbles and nothing but creeping ivy shields us from the incessant chatter of wandering cadavers. Bring snacks
A haunted house, but instead of masked creatures it’s filled with everyone’s mother-in-laws.
Just got my test results back and my cholesterol level is a cheese bratwurst.
The optometrist sees the one eyed man’s glasses as half-full. The pessometrist sees them as half-empty.
“My name is Robert and I support apples.”
— Bob for apples
My forgiveness comes with the price of never forgetting.
3-year-old: *sits at the table forever without touching anything*
Me: *eats one cold chicken nugget*
3: THAT WAS MINE!
Apollo: everyone in favour of hunting the cyclopes, say aye
Me: Sometimes I don’t get Jo’s tweets.
Marta: Maybe you’re not high enough?
Me: * climbs tree
I wish they’d stop turning movies into musicals and make them ice shows instead.
I’d pay good money to see “The Godfather on Ice.”
Sometimes, when I need a really good night’s sleep, I call my burrito guy to come over and tuck me in
Step 1: Buy a 3D printer.
Step 2: Print a 3D printer.
Step 3: Return the 3D printer.