[me at the end of any horror movie] How do they explain all of this to the authorities?
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Life can be compared to a ‘Choose your own adventure’ book.
Sometimes there’s a happy ending; sometimes you get eaten by a bear.
Gonna bring a notepad and a fancy pen to my next therapy session cause yessiree two can play that game.
Me: this math stuff isn’t gonna help us in the real world
[20 years later]
Boss: ok lift on three
Me: oh shit
Inventor of wicker furniture: I want this to break and injure someone eventually
god: i need you to build a death star
noah: uh, what’s a death star?
god: {flipping through his notes} oh, sorry, wrong story. i need you to build an ark…
They should get rid of red light cameras and replace them with big walls that pop up at the intersection that you slam into if you run the light
That moment at the flea market, when you realize you’re looking at a vampire killing kit.
dracula: *bites neck*
me: oh, I should probably warn you-
dracula: *dies*
me: i am 50% garlic bread
When I say someone is a good doctor it’s entirely based on the strength of their waiting room Wi-Fi.
Husband: Do you want to go for a run today?
Me: *drawing a giant pumpkin on my stomach* Nah, I’m good.
We DNA tested our dog and it turns out he killed a guy in Toledo in ‘79
Hallmark movie writer’s room:
“Alright, let’s get started.”
(4 minutes later)
“OK, that’s a wrap on 27 movies, good job everyone.”
If I was one of the seven dwarfs I’d be Nopey.
My neighbor has had 3 peletons delivered. This is a cult, right?
Fired my daughter’s math tutor when he said she wasn’t giving 110%.
Kids…you can be happy about it being the last day of school, but you’ll never be as happy as the teachers.
If you or someone you love have gone to work today, you may be entitled compensation.
<during sex>
Me: Can we pretend I didn’t just call you Uncle Joe?
Her: Not sure, it’s pretty disturbing.
Uncle Joe: It didn’t bother me.
FRIEND: What’s the movie, where they bring that monster to life and then have to destroy it?
[at the same time]
HER: Frankenstein.
ME: Frosty the Snowman.
Give your Mom what she really wants today. Accept her Facebook friend request.
“ew what is that?” is my child’s adorable way of asking what’s for dinner
[at auto shop]
MECHANIC: can I help you?
ME: my car won’t start
MECHANIC: umm, that’s a horse
ME: because my car won’t start, are you even listening?
Dads mark their territory by sneezing loudly.
her: i like a guy that can last long 😉
me, a piece of flavored gum: shit
[team tryouts]
Coach: You really knocked that one out of the park.
Jimmy: Thanks Coach!
Coach: This is tennis.
Whenever I think of you, I am grateful for the many, many miles between us.
your body is a ghost factory that takes one lifetime to produce a ghost
Just saw Samuel L. Jackson order a couple of bagels. He paid for them and said thank you so basically now my whole life is ruined
Aliens only abduct the people that are already nuts so no one will believe them when they try and tell everyone
Is it too late to drop myself off at the fire station?