I’d remove my mittens to text you back, baby
-Canadians flirting
You Might Also Like
“What that moth do?”
– Me after hearing the bug lamp explode
Child protective services?
Who’s protecting the parents Huh?
WHO’S PROTECTING THE PARENTS?
Me: If the sun has a finite life can we really save the planet?
Wife: TAKE THE RECYCLING OUT!
Omg. It happened again.
I was using the flashlight on my phone. To look for my phone.
Help me 😩
The girl who once told me “If I’m not married by the time I’m 30, kill me” got married recently at 29 and WHEW is that a load off my mind
Homeschooling day 1: trying to get this kid transferred out of my class.
@SchmuckOnAHorse “Dad, why is my sister named Teresa?”
“Because your Mom loves anagrams, and Teresa is an anagram of Easter, the day she was conceived.”
“Thanks, Dad.”
“No problem, Alan.”
My husband knocks on our fishtank when the fish are chasing and biting each other. As if they’re gonna be like, “Shit, we better stop, Dad’s home.”
My horoscope said I will soon find the man of my dreams. I thought, “I’ve been married 25yrs,” then I thought, “But I’ll keep an open mind.”
[pet store]
Um hi can I have 4 turtles & 1 rat
Clerk: hah trying to make ur own ninja turtles dude
Me:*hiding miniature sai and katana* n no
Atheists don’t seem to recognize church is worth it for the bake sales alone.
God, or no god, those are good Brownies.
“Who let the dogs out” they ask. “No idea” I say. They let me go. As I walk away from the police station my limp slowly disappears.
Try that* in a small town.
*not joining a pyramid scheme run by an ex cheerleader.
Stop talking. They are staring at you. You are saying bizarre things.
-An Inner Monologue
Oh to be a woman in the 1800s, diagnosed with hysteria and getting a lobotomy
friend: you have to stop envying every single person you know when they find success in something you haven’t. it’s destroying your mental health and poisoning your relationships with your friends.
me: (immediately envious of their maturity and clarity of thought) right. totally
guys i’ve cracked the code
In my previous life I was a gorgeous philosopher named Mediocrates
Someone broke into my house last night and left a note saying they’d broken one of my keyboard keys.
I onder hich one.
I enjoy the outdoors when it stays outdoors.
I reply to “Happy New Year” with “not if I have anything to do with it.”
Who’s the idiot that called it “The Wizard of Oz” and not “The Flair Witch Project”?
We can’t afford a Trump presidency. The money spent alone on hundreds of new White House door knobs for his wee-baby hands would bankrupt us
If anyone wants a more cost effective energy provider, I can supply endless energy on tap from my absolutely not tired child at bedtime.
*playing hide & seek with my group*
5: I’m only going to count to ten
Me: why?
5: because I haven’t grown more fingers yet
“Beat up anybody you see drinking 7UP”
-first rule of Sprite Club
No Auto-correct, I never meant “Relationship Goats”.
First airplane parts store: The customer is always Wright
I’m working out again in hopes that I can wear my superhero shirt in public without someone saying, “Batman really let himself go”.