If you own a karate dojo and you don’t make your employees answer the phone “Hiiiiiiiiya”
You’re doing it wrong
You Might Also Like
If I was a mammoth or a ground sloth I would not have gotten stuck in a tar pit it all. when I see a fossil of some creature that got trapped in one I think wow here’s an example of some dead idiot
Good luck with my paper jam, next person.
Who tf be hiding shrimp in their socks?
Romeo: Juliet is the sun. Arise, fair sun, and kill the envious moon, who is already sick and pale with grief that thou, her maid, art far more fair than she.
Neil deGrasse Tyson: No.
just ate soup so fast my Fitbit thought i was running
I like how your profile picture is you at your wedding, so are you like a professional bride
I trace wine labels in crayon and hang them from our fridge magnets; people think we have disturbingly gifted children.
someone please tell my husband that no one can hear him yelling driving tips at them from inside our car.
I hate crumbs, so I eat my snacks in bed on his side.
“Oh. Wow. Oh. Jeez. We didn’t think everyone was gonna bring a bag!” -airlines
I was in Tesco today & this bloody weirdo was following me around
him: this might be the whiskey talking but are you checking me out?
cop: licence and registration
*wife wonders where I am in the store*
*hears glass shatter*
*knows where I am*
My wife and I play this adorable game where I pick a place to eat and she says no until it’s someone else’s idea.
Bagpipes.
An octopus-shaped instrument in a plaid skirt that sounds like a Canadian goose with a foot trapped in an escalator.When played with proper accompaniment, they somehow sound marvelous!
I’m going to run errands, need anything?
“Yes, some new light bulbs”
Why, our current bulbs are too heavy?
“And a good divorce lawyer”
My 7yo learned that a seal in French is a “phoque” and like every Canadian child before her, she is enjoying this sweet swear loophole to its fullest
This laundry pile is so big that I might just put a little flag on top.
me: “so when do you think we’ll see a big hairy boy?”
my hunting partner: “please call them bears”
i’ll take the “hell yes assorted cheese” please
wife: Did you leave a good tip?
[flashback to me writing “Always look both ways before pulling out into traffic” on the check]
me: Yep
as a teen did you ever steal your moms booze and fill it back up with water, or steal money out of her purse and fill it back up with water
Tomorrow’s goal is to double my water intake by having two sips.
fired for “unleashing rats at work” which is bull shit first off because they don’t make leashes for rats
Airport security asked me if I’ve seen anything unusual…I just paid $18 for a coke & a ham sandwich…Let’s start with that.
I want to have the kind of hope my dog has when the kids walk around eating chips.
My favorite thing about eating at a traditional Italian restaurant is getting a side of pasta with my pasta
Go home, Twitter. You’re drunk.
My grandpa didn’t leave me a gold watch or a large insurance policy, he left me something much more valuable which he wore proudly, his super expandable waist Thanksgiving eating pants.